Authentic Jeans Forums banner

OMG Boyfriend's Mom RANT

6K views 173 replies 40 participants last post by  MNep0509 
#1 · (Edited)
:explode:explode:explode

Wow.. just wow.

My boyfriend is one of the most irresponsible people I know. Because of his MOM.

She pays for everything. She pays for his rent (implicitly, I guess, because he lives at home), his tuition, his books, any school expenses. She just bought him a 2007 Civic Si (the monthly payments are $350 - they initially agreed to go halfsies, but he now only pays her $100/month and some months not at all). He has $4000 in CC debt and since she opens his mail, she found out and told him she would pay off his debt. She paid for his traffic ticket for running a red light - $350. She pays for his work clothes. She pays for his dry cleaning. She pays for his phone bill. She pays his car insurance.

SHE PAYS FOR FUCKING EVERYTHING.

It has made him incredibly financially irresponsible. He makes $1000-$1200/month working part time, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL THE MONEY GOES. He doesn't either.

He is incredibly irresponsible in other respects, as well. He's been in community college for THREE YEARS now because he can't get enough credits to transfer. He took four classes this quarter, and just withdrew from two because he missed the midterms.

And when I come visit him, his mom asks me, "When is Andrew going to transfer? HELP HIM!" WTF?! No, she's not getting on HIS ASS to transfer, she's getting on MY ASS. WTF LADY?! I AM NOT GOING TO HELP HIM UNLESS HE DECIDES TO FUCKING HELP HIMSELF.

It's not like he doesn't have goals or anything, he actually does. He wants to be successful. But he is so fucking used to everything being done for him that he is incapable of getting off his ass and doing things himself.

I don't know what to do. :cry
 
See less See more
#2 · (Edited)
I don't know what to do. :cry
Really? Your choices seem to be:

1) stay with the dead beat, or
2) break up with the dead beat.

[Edit]

OK, ok, my initial response was very brash. Seriously though ... this guy has got to learn how to be independent. The blame does not only lie with the mother IMO! He has to make the decision not to be content to just live off of his mom's financial contributions. This kid needs a wake-up call. Not everything worth having is going to be handed to him by the women in his life (contrary to what his mother would like to believe).

[Edit #2]

The mother needs a similar wake-up call. How horrendously pathetic that she would expect you to help him get his education career on track. I would have given her a piece of my mind.
 
#13 ·
The mother needs a similar wake-up call. How horrendously pathetic that she would expect you to help him get his education career on track. I would have given her a piece of my mind.
I SO WANTED TO! But.. how do I do that.. tactfully?

Not that she deserves tact or anything. Over the summer, I wanted a car, didn't have any money, so I asked my parents to help me out some - my mom didn't give me any (she really doesn't have any to give) and my dad gave me $1000. She told me to ask them again. I said I did (even though I didn't) and they wouldn't give me anymore. And she said: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?"

She actually said that. I wanted to punch her in the face. Seriously. Just because my parents don't pay for all my shit doesn't mean they are bad parents.
 
#4 ·
WTF LADY?! I AM NOT GOING TO HELP HIM UNLESS HE DECIDES TO FUCKING HELP HIMSELF.
Exactly!!!!!

It isn't your responsibility its HIS -- but the deal is, she's totally enabling him and it isn't doing him any favors.

She needs to let him fall on his ass once or twice and NOT toss her mommy pillow under it to break his fall.

This was an issue with my husband for awhile -- but for different reasons: His mom was obsessive compulsive (clinically) and no matter what he tried to do on his own growing up, it was literally taken out of his hands because it wasn't being done *her* way.

She was also extraordinarily controlling -- is his mom controlling as well? What's up with her?
 
#10 ·
OMG YES!!!

I totally agree with EVERYTHING.

I want to like, slap her, and say DUDE. IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIM HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEARN TO DO SHIT HIMSELF. He never paid his traffic ticket because he knew eventually she was going to pay it. He never tried to pay off his CC because he knew eventually she was going to do it. FOR SHIT'S SAKE, WOMAN, LET HIM FUCK UP FOR ONCE!

But, of course, I can't say that. :(
 
#5 ·
Okay, guys do take longer to figure things out with their lives. With that said, your BF has no incentive to do anything more than what he is doing now. His mom takes care of everything for him.

When she isn't around, who do you think he will lean against? You need to have a serious talk with your BF about what he wants out of life.
 
#6 ·
Do you think his mom will adopt me? I need someone to pay my bills.

Anyways, she prob expects you to do his school work for him because that is what she would do. Pretty sad. Unfortunately, your BF is probably used to getting everything handed to him and that really isn't going to change.
 
#11 ·
Aw.. I see what you're saying. I DO NOT want a man who will mooch off me and make me do everything.

BUT I'm hoping that at some point he will move out, learn to be financially responsible, and then become husband material. :)
 
#8 ·
Wow. It sounds like he needs to grow up and start learning what responsibility is all about..My boyfriends parents are the exact same way to my bf's brother. He has everything paid for, car, insurance, school, gas, and he also had $4000 in CC debt that his parents are now paying off.. It seems like living like that teaches them that its ok to get yourself backed up like that b/c mommie or daddy will pay it off for you anyway.

I think you should ask him what he wants to do with his life, does he want to live on his own ever or does he want to be under the wing of his mom forever. Even though he has goals, it doesn't seem like he is actually trying--Seriously, taking 4 classes and dropping 2 of them b/c he missed the midterm--well, I mean, he shouldn't have missed the midterm, thats just a part of the responsibility of growing up and going to school for your education. You need to make time for your education because no one else will care to help you get involved or motivated but yourself.

Haha, this topic gets me heated b/c my BF and I talk about it all the time regarding his brother..

Good Luck!
 
#9 ·
I totally agree with everything everyone has said thusfar - well almost. LOL.

Koro, I agree with you that he is, well, a deadbeat. But! See.. I dunno. If your mom paid for everything for you, and that's the way all your friends were doing it, shit you're living the high life for free and it's totally acceptable, WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE?! RIGHT?!

Though, he's not totally a deadbeat.. he has a stable job, and interviewed recently to move up to a better position (he didn't get it).. but he does have goals.

Vis, I've tried to talk to him about this, more than once. He doesn't really take what I have to say to heart, though, because my mom didn't pay for ANYTHING for me in HS and continues to not pay for ANYTHING so I'm uber independent which isn't really normal, either, you know?

Ack, I don't know.
 
#23 ·
I totally agree with everything everyone has said thusfar - well almost. LOL.

Koro, I agree with you that he is, well, a deadbeat. But! See.. I dunno. If your mom paid for everything for you, and that's the way all your friends were doing it, shit you're living the high life for free and it's totally acceptable, WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE?! RIGHT?!

Though, he's not totally a deadbeat.. he has a stable job, and interviewed recently to move up to a better position (he didn't get it).. but he does have goals.

Vis, I've tried to talk to him about this, more than once. He doesn't really take what I have to say to heart, though, because my mom didn't pay for ANYTHING for me in HS and continues to not pay for ANYTHING so I'm uber independent which isn't really normal, either, you know?

Ack, I don't know.
You're right ... call it Paris Hilton Syndrome, if you will ... :rofl

I was too hard on your boyfriend, probably because I'm a bit jealous.

I mean, I also had it really easy growing up. My parents never bought me a car or offered to pay off my debts, but they never forced me to get a job and they helped pay my tuition through university (they said that the first degree is their obligation, but after that :rofl). Look at me, I turned out OK (I'll be even more OK after I pay off this $30k in debt). I guess there's hope for your boyfriend if he gets his educational career on track!

Whether or not it is possible to live off of one's parents for the rest of his or her life, it is certainly not respectable in the least. I hope he figures this out.
 
#14 ·
Wow she sure does love her son. For some reason i keep hearing the music from psycho in my head as I am reading this...

That being said, I have to agree with what a lot of people on here are saying, not hubby material. I have delt with people who are taken care of by others all the time (whether it has been parents who take care of them or partners/spouses) and it is VERY difficult as they never learn to do things for themselves. I can also imagine that it is frustrating for you to watch this as you probably have had to do many things on your own (like most people).

The problem that you are going to run into if you continue your relationship is that he is goign to start seeing you as a mother figure and may expect you to do all of this stuff for him. I don't know how old he is or how long you two have been together but if your relationship progresses any further and you end up moving in with him you may find yourself having to pay for all of the rent, food, and any other expenses because he hasn't learned how to handle these things himself.

The reason why it is taking him so long to get through school is because of his mom. He may say that he has goals but why does he have to work his ass off at school to become successful when he has a mom at home who gives him money and does everything for him? If he were to move out of his mom's place and start having to depend on himself he may actually realize what the real world is like...you need to do well in school so you can get a good job to make good money and not have to struggle from paycheque to paycheque. You start to learn to *gasp* invest your money and save it for your future ratehr then spend it all at once!

Trust me, once you start seeing a guy who is financially stable, and has a career and is independant it is like a whole new world has opened up. You need to tell this guy that he either smartens up and starts doing things for himself or you are outta there!
 
#16 ·
Oh. I forgot.

For reference, I am 19, and he is 20.

So I mean, we're in that time when people are still getting parental help, but NOT (or at least I don't think) to the extent that he is.
 
#20 ·
I was dating a guy like this. His mom wasn't helping out financially because "I" was. We lived together for a total of 2 years and he didn't put a dime into anything (I justified it because it was my house and I loved him). His mom didn't teach him about responsibilities and I pushed him to help but I wasn't going to get behind on my bills while waiting for him to step up so I broke it off.

Sounds to me, this is the road you will face if he does decide to eventually move out. He'll no longer depend on his mom but instead, you. Let's see, we were both 20 at the time and you know what? It's 3 years later and he's still not doing anything. =/
 
#21 · (Edited)
My boyfriend was like this-- spoiled by his mom. His dad is a deadbeat alcoholic whom she's always supported, too. (She is a pediatrician and started her own practice which she has since sold, but still manages.) My boyfriend is far from a deadbeat, though. When he moved here to NY, he was completely on his own, money-wise (which I thought should have been done much sooner-- he was never even taught how to manage his own funds). But now he has fought so hard to move up in his job and earn more. He has been promoted twice in a year and a half and now will be managing an entire program at work. I've never had to push him to do anything, short of housework we push on each other. He's a naturally ambitious person who, unfortunately, was caught in a bizarre family situation.

I'd say, you can't fix what people have done to their kids, and I'd count spoiling them as being just as unfair/ immoral as other things since it doesn't adequately prepare them for life. If your boyfriend recognizes that he wants to change, or his mom recognizes that she is enabling him, then something will change. But don't let either of them push you into HER role, and make it very clear that you are not in this relationship to be the mom!

ETA: and if nothing changes, get out of the relationship. But first give your boyfriend a chance to stand on his own feet. Mom will always spoil, but I'd say it will take a huge move away from her to have him do this properly.
 
#55 ·
I agree with this. He is going to expect you to wait on him hand and foot. Its not just the money thing, either. She probably does EVERYTHING for him, right? Laundry, meals, etc. My DH was irresponsible with money growing up, but his mom didn't bail him out. She also made him wash his own clothes, clean his room, etc. I think the only thing she did do for him is cook dinner. She's a bitch, IMO. There is a happy medium somewhere between my MIL and your BF's mom!

As the mother of a son, I hope I am never like this. We are trying desperately to teach our kids the value of money--even though my parents spoil the hell out of them!! Its a very tough job in the 21st Century. BF's mom probably doesn't realize the harm she is doing as she probably thinks this is how to show love.

BF needs to move out and live on his own. He also needs to have a budget or something so he knows where his money is going. Its probably all going to drinks and dinner. I applaud you for being a mature 19 year old and recognizing the problem. Good luck!
 
#27 ·
He is not dependent on me financially.

Actually, while I was struggling this summer to pay MY BILLS, he paid for all my food, took me shopping a few times, etc. He helps me out when I ask him to, and rarely goes to me for money, much less EXPECT me to pay for his stuff.

BUT my guess is that that's because he expects his mom to pay for his stuff. I can't really say whether or not that expectation will fall on me once he moves out.

And I wouldn't break up with him on the ASSUMPTION that the expectation will fall on me.

I don't know.. I just don't think I should break up with him over something that is not totally his fault. I don't even know that it's his fault at all. I mean, sure I can say, oh, even IF my mom offered to pay everything I wouldn't let her because I'm so independent.. but I don't know if that's really true because I've never been in that position.

It may very well be that IF my mom offered to pay everything I would be like HELL YEAH!! You know? Like.. WHY WOULDN'T YOU take FREE MONEY from your parents?

Even worse, he lives in the nicer part of Orange County, the Costa Mesa/Newport Beach area, so all his friends' parents are like that, too. He doesn't see why he should feel weird about it.
 
#33 ·
Momma's boy... eck! It's going to hard to break this one in :magwink
Seriously, you need to think of your own future as well. It will take a very very long time for him to re-learn everything that his mother did not teach him, are you prepared to wait years (if ever)?
 
#36 ·
I would never advise anyone to break up without knowing the full relationship history, BUT:

As much as it is his mother's responsibility to cut the cord, so to speak, if you stay with this boy you WILL end up being the one who is responsible for breaking his bad habits, if you care. It's easy to wonder now why his mom isn't taking care of these issues because he still lives in her home, but you had better get used to being the motivational one (read: nag) if you expect to continue this relationship into the territory where you will be living together.

At this point I suspect it goes way beyond being mollycoddled by his mother in that he now is probably used to someone else (and I wouldn't be surprised at all if in particular it's a FEMALE someone else) playing the role of mom. If and when she finally steps out of the picture financially he will probably be completely lost. In that sense, what you are putting off now will be put fully on your shoulders later - you will be the sole person trying to get him to go to class, to save his money, to pay his bills on time.
 
#37 ·
I just called him.

Idiot me, I was crying and pissed off and I guess what I wanted to say came out.. well not the way I wanted it to.

I'm not sure exactly what to tell him. He said that as far as school goes, he's on track to have enough credits to transfer by Spring Quarter of this year (even with the classes he's dropped and withdrawn from).

He also said that he will be financially responsible when he needs to be. I said: "So you think when you move out and have to start paying for your own shit.. you will just DO IT?" And he said: "YEAH." What am I supposed to say? No, you're not...

As far as being financially responsible right now, he said that I'm not in any place to rag on him. He said that I, myself, am not financially responsible.

This is my financial situation: I go to school on a full scholarship provided by the university. I don't pay tuition, room and board, or food. I pay for my own books. I don't have a car so I don't have car payments or car insurance (though I did have it for two months, and I paid for that). I have a phone, and I pay my phone bill. Andrew and I alternate flying to see each other every month, and we alternate who pays for the flight. I have $1500 in CC debt due to not having income last year (though I do have income this year).

So, I cannot tell him to be financially independent, when I, myself am not. He's right. I don't pay for most of my expenses. School does. I tried to tell him that I worked my ass off to go to a good school that would pay for school expenses and apply for outside scholarships to cover tuition that school would not, but I guess he doesn't believe that that counts. :(
 
#41 ·
He's right. I don't pay for most of my expenses. School does. I tried to tell him that I worked my ass off to go to a good school that would pay for school expenses and apply for outside scholarships to cover tuition that school would not, but I guess he doesn't believe that that counts. :(
Having a scholarship grant is not IN ANY WAY analogous to having your parents pay your way through school. The former implies that there was work done to earn the aid; the latter is simply what it is. My parents pay my tuition so I'm not hating on that in and of itself, but he needs to understand that there is a huge difference between you being offered a merit-based tuition break and his mom paying his costs.

Especially since (from what I read) you have that money at a four year and he's still at a CC.
 
#57 ·
seriously..listen to justin...next thing you know he'll be leaving the house in 33 degree weather without a coat... oh wait... :devil (you know i'm just playing with you av!)

I agree 100% with lizm..i've had TWO husbands (still have one!) ..and trust me. he expect what his mother sets the standard for..he will expect you to wait on him like she does... no no no...
 
#40 ·
You're not financially independent because you were able to achieve a full scholarship program by your school?

Wow... just wow.
 
#42 ·
Well.. yeah.. KIND OF.

So when I applied to college, I applied to like, a million. I also applied for financial aid for all of them. I ended up going to the best school that could provide me with the most aid. At the time, Berkeley tuition was $33,000/year and they offered me $23,000/year in aid.. which wasn't enough. I ended up going to a school that could cover my ENTIRE tuition.

So my financial aid is NEED BASED, not MERIT BASED. I get so much money because my parents are poor. And that's not exactly working hard.

Though I should point out that I did apply for a bunch of outside scholarships which goes directly to my tuition, and lowers the amount of financial aid provided by the university itself.
 
#50 ·
Lol.. he DOES listen to me, sometimes.

When I met him he had just broken up with his last girlfriend (total deadbeat too), he wasn't really going to school, and he didn't have a job.

After we got together, he started to do better in school and got a good job. There are a number of sources I see for this change. I know I explicitly encouraged him to get off his ass. I know that I implicitly encouraged him to get off his ass by being off my ass. I think that he was dissatisfied with his current situation, but needed an extra boost.

Other times, he does not listen to me.

His mother is very controlling. Very very controlling. And so he has learned to tune her out. He doesn't listen to her at all. I think sometimes when I get on his case about things, he turns me into his mother and tunes me out, too.

I don't know.
 
#44 · (Edited)
He has no right to tell you you are not financially responsible. I'm assuming that you're on a full scholarship because you kick ass at school and deserve it.

A long distance relationship is going to be costly, and if you guys are flying to see each other so often of course you're going to be in debt if you have no income. You don't have a car, so you don't need to pay for it. You have a phone, which you do pay for. I don't know what the hell he's talking about, this financially irresponsible crap.

As for the no income part, can you get some jobs around the university? My uni pays students pretty well for anything from dishwashing to working at the bookstore, and I'd assume that most uni's do as well.

edit: well at least you work hard to make sure your parents don't have to pay for your schooling. I think that's really admirable.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top