He's right. I don't pay for most of my expenses. School does. I tried to tell him that I worked my ass off to go to a good school that would pay for school expenses and apply for outside scholarships to cover tuition that school would not, but I guess he doesn't believe that that counts.
Having a scholarship grant is not IN ANY WAY analogous to having your parents pay your way through school. The former implies that there was work done to earn the aid; the latter is simply what it is. My parents pay my tuition so I'm not hating on that in and of itself, but he needs to understand that there is a huge difference between you being offered a merit-based tuition break and his mom paying his costs.
Especially since (from what I read) you have that money at a four year and he's still at a CC.
So when I applied to college, I applied to like, a million. I also applied for financial aid for all of them. I ended up going to the best school that could provide me with the most aid. At the time, Berkeley tuition was $33,000/year and they offered me $23,000/year in aid.. which wasn't enough. I ended up going to a school that could cover my ENTIRE tuition.
So my financial aid is NEED BASED, not MERIT BASED. I get so much money because my parents are poor. And that's not exactly working hard.
Though I should point out that I did apply for a bunch of outside scholarships which goes directly to my tuition, and lowers the amount of financial aid provided by the university itself.
He has no right to tell you you are not financially responsible. I'm assuming that you're on a full scholarship because you kick ass at school and deserve it.
A long distance relationship is going to be costly, and if you guys are flying to see each other so often of course you're going to be in debt if you have no income. You don't have a car, so you don't need to pay for it. You have a phone, which you do pay for. I don't know what the hell he's talking about, this financially irresponsible crap.
As for the no income part, can you get some jobs around the university? My uni pays students pretty well for anything from dishwashing to working at the bookstore, and I'd assume that most uni's do as well.
edit: well at least you work hard to make sure your parents don't have to pay for your schooling. I think that's really admirable.
You know this is coming from me--DUMP HIM! He will probably be irresponsible his whole life! And when his mama isn't there to enable him, he will turn to you. Think about it. Is this what you want?
Ok, we can backtrack.
Perhaps someone (not per se you, since that would be domestic abuse) can slap him around a bit until he understands how incredibly NARROW MINDED it is to view your situations as the same, considering that if your parents cannot pay your tuition of their own accord, you are being given an opportunity to attend an institution of higher learning that his spoiled, lazy ass would totally take for granted. If I were you, I would be almost insulted that he compared his obviously well-off parents to yours if your scholarship is need-based. I'm sure that in your life you have never been spoiled like he has.
When I met him he had just broken up with his last girlfriend (total deadbeat too), he wasn't really going to school, and he didn't have a job.
After we got together, he started to do better in school and got a good job. There are a number of sources I see for this change. I know I explicitly encouraged him to get off his ass. I know that I implicitly encouraged him to get off his ass by being off my ass. I think that he was dissatisfied with his current situation, but needed an extra boost.
Other times, he does not listen to me.
His mother is very controlling. Very very controlling. And so he has learned to tune her out. He doesn't listen to her at all. I think sometimes when I get on his case about things, he turns me into his mother and tunes me out, too.
I didn't mean for this to turn into a break up thread (although I probably should have seen it coming).
I don't want to break up with him because I don't feel like being irresponsible is something that is REALLY his fault, and neither is it something that is unchangeable.
I wanted to ask, given the situation, what can I do, if anything?
Should I advise him to start paying for his own things? Which things SHOULD he be paying for? And WHY?
His mother is very controlling. Very very controlling. And so he has learned to tune her out. He doesn't listen to her at all. I think sometimes when I get on his case about things, he turns me into his mother and tunes me out, too.
Well... I have read MOST of the replies (but not all of them)
I will say this... Telling Christina to break up with this guy and calling him names, insulting him, and declaring that he is not husband material is insulting. No one here knows him and she hasn't said that he's done anything awful to her which would warrant people exclaiming their opinion that she needs to haul ass away.
If anything, in my experience, insulting someone's significant other only serves to push them closer to said significant other and makes them feel they need to defend said significant other. IE -- it has the adverse effect anyway.
For all intents and purposes, these two individuals are very young adults (I was going to say children, but that's not true). I have not heard that there was marriage talk. Not every relationship has the potential to result in marriage anyway -- but as you move along with your life and grow into yourself -- each relationship is enriching and valuable in some way.
I just got married last year -- before that I had several long term relationships and don't regret a single one of them -- even though they did not result in marriage and even though about 1/2 way through each I KNEW they would never result in marriage :ashamed
This guy is not the douchebag of all douchebags. He's acting like a child -- because he pretty much still IS one... well, a very young adult. Men do not suck, but they take a little longer to develop certain attributes.
He will learn the hard way and in the meantime, it isn't Christina's obligation to teach or guide him -- she has enough on her plate.
People will be who they are -- yes, other people will have an influence on them and yes, this guy's mom is heavily influencing him -- and that's just too bad.
I'd rather be with someone who behaves in a manner that coincides also with my own values because they WANT to rather than because they WANT to please ME -- because there will come a time when pleasing me becomes stifling to them and resentment will be borne into the equation and that's not going to result in any kind of valuable long term relationship.
Last thing she needs to hear from this guy is "I'll change for you"
:shake
My only advice would be to discuss things with him... ask him questions (non-accusatory questions) about his life, his plans, his desires, how he feels about his mother -- get into his head -- find out what makes him tick. Perhaps he takes what she gives because he's mildly fearful of her rejecting him otherwise -- she sounds really controlling. There is a very good possibility that he doesn't even KNOW why he does what he does "he just always has"
You'd be surprised how many people really don't know themselves.
He'll grow... he'll become the man he is destined to be -- maybe he will turn out to be a deadbeat, but ya know, maybe he won't.
I dunno -- I'm cynical that a relationship started at these early ages will end up being a lifetime one anyway -- I think people need to love and experience more than this before they choose a life mate -- god, I changed so, so much between 20 and 30 and I imagine the same will hold true between 30 and 40.
Someone said you can't change core values... partially true -- it just doesn't even sound like this guy has identified his core values yet -- someone ought to challenge him to consider what thhose values are... maybe he'd start making decisions based upon them instead of just going with the flow like he has been.
I agree with this. He is going to expect you to wait on him hand and foot. Its not just the money thing, either. She probably does EVERYTHING for him, right? Laundry, meals, etc. My DH was irresponsible with money growing up, but his mom didn't bail him out. She also made him wash his own clothes, clean his room, etc. I think the only thing she did do for him is cook dinner. She's a bitch, IMO. There is a happy medium somewhere between my MIL and your BF's mom!
As the mother of a son, I hope I am never like this. We are trying desperately to teach our kids the value of money--even though my parents spoil the hell out of them!! Its a very tough job in the 21st Century. BF's mom probably doesn't realize the harm she is doing as she probably thinks this is how to show love.
BF needs to move out and live on his own. He also needs to have a budget or something so he knows where his money is going. Its probably all going to drinks and dinner. I applaud you for being a mature 19 year old and recognizing the problem. Good luck!
if he thinks your two situations are analogous, tell him to not bother transferring because he'll fail out of a self-respecting college for being that dumb
seriously..listen to justin...next thing you know he'll be leaving the house in 33 degree weather without a coat... oh wait... :devil (you know i'm just playing with you av!)
I agree 100% with lizm..i've had TWO husbands (still have one!) ..and trust me. he expect what his mother sets the standard for..he will expect you to wait on him like she does... no no no...
So, I cannot tell him to be financially independent, when I, myself am not. He's right. I don't pay for most of my expenses. School does. I tried to tell him that I worked my ass off to go to a good school that would pay for school expenses and apply for outside scholarships to cover tuition that school would not, but I guess he doesn't believe that that counts.
Oh no! Please don't think you're not independent! Just because you're not financially secure, does not being that you're not financially independent. You earned that scholarship! You earned the assistance that the school provides.
He's wrong...all the way around. There's no comparison between his situation and your own. He should be very proud of you.
I agree with this. He is going to expect you to wait on him hand and foot. Its not just the money thing, either. She probably does EVERYTHING for him, right? Laundry, meals, etc. My DH was irresponsible with money growing up, but his mom didn't bail him out. She also made him wash his own clothes, clean his room, etc. I think the only thing she did do for him is cook dinner. She's a bitch, IMO. There is a happy medium somewhere between my MIL and your BF's mom!
As the mother of a son, I hope I am never like this. We are trying desperately to teach our kids the value of money--even though my parents spoil the hell out of them!! Its a very tough job in the 21st Century. BF's mom probably doesn't realize the harm she is doing as she probably thinks this is how to show love.
BF needs to move out and live on his own. He also needs to have a budget or something so he knows where his money is going. Its probably all going to drinks and dinner. I applaud you for being a mature 19 year old and recognizing the problem. Good luck!
Thank you for your opinion (and for qualifying the other Liz's opinion, which without qualification, seemed kind of harsh).
BF's grandparents cook his meals. The dish-washing is.. interesting. At the beginning he always washed my dishes, haha. Then we started splitting the dish-washing duties. Then his grandma and grandpa told him they don't like me because I make him wash the dishes (it's a cultural thing... women are supposed to do all the cooking and cleaning :roll) so I do them more, now, though when I ask him to do them he does.
He does his own laundry. Sometimes when I'm over I fold the laundry, but I suppose when I'm not there he folds it, too.
His room is perpetually messy, kinda like mine. When his parents get on his case to clean it, oh no I lie. They get on MY CASE to clean it (again, a cultural thing). Sometimes we clean it together - but I think this is justified because when I come over I SLEEP there, so it is kinda like my room, too. I suppose when I'm not there he cleans it himself.
He also wakes himself up for class and work, gets himself food when he needs to get it, run errands when he needs to (though SOMETIMES his mom does things for him like go to the DMV for him or do his dry cleaning for him) - so in most respects, I think he is pretty self-sufficient.
I think if he got away from home, he's really understand what I'm saying. But he's going to a CC right now, and will probably go to a 4-year not far away, so moving away from home doesn't really need to happen for a good few years.
In the meantime, I really like the budget idea. I think both of us should start budgets, actually.
I agree with this. He is going to expect you to wait on him hand and foot. Its not just the money thing, either. She probably does EVERYTHING for him, right? Laundry, meals, etc. My DH was irresponsible with money growing up, but his mom didn't bail him out. She also made him wash his own clothes, clean his room, etc. I think the only thing she did do for him is cook dinner. She's a bitch, IMO. There is a happy medium somewhere between my MIL and your BF's mom!
I don't agree... respectfully. I mentioned previously that my husband used to be treated this way by his own mother.
Sadly, it resulted in him not even KNOWING how to do basic things properly. My dad lovingly calls him "City Boy" because I know more about home repair and tools and just common sense stuff than he does.
When we first started dating he'd try to help me in the kitchen or with something and I'd stop him in his tracks and do it -- because he was doing it WROOOOONG :rofl
Just stupid things -- one place we lived didn't have a garbage disposal and he'd wash the dishes and dump leftover food AND napkins into the sink :eyebug
We'd make pasta and I'd make a sauce and he'd go to dump the sauce onto the past while the pasta was still in the strainer :eyebug (and it would then leak straight out the bottom into the sink...
He didn't even mow the grass properly... he didn't know how to do jack. Finally after I took things out of his hands one too many times we had to sit and have a LONG conversation. He did not want to be waited on. He did not want me to be like his mom. he did not want to have things taken out of his hands. He was not lazy, he was not incapable. That's how his mother made him feel -- like he was incapable.
He's a smart guy -- very, very smart. He's self employed and has started a company and it's taking off and he just rocks on so many levels -- he has the patience of Job and I adore him. His degree was in Philosophy -- mine in Anthropology and we spend hours debating. I can't stress enough how much I truly believe he rocks...
And he was treated the same way by his mother. And if anything -- he waits on me hand and foot... we've been together for 5 years and it has not ceased. She was controlling. So much so that it did him no favors -- sadly, because I think in her heart she thought she WAS doing him favors.
Give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
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