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My boyfriend was like this-- spoiled by his mom. His dad is a deadbeat alcoholic whom she's always supported, too. (She is a pediatrician and started her own practice which she has since sold, but still manages.) My boyfriend is far from a deadbeat, though. When he moved here to NY, he was completely on his own, money-wise (which I thought should have been done much sooner-- he was never even taught how to manage his own funds). But now he has fought so hard to move up in his job and earn more. He has been promoted twice in a year and a half and now will be managing an entire program at work. I've never had to push him to do anything, short of housework we push on each other. He's a naturally ambitious person who, unfortunately, was caught in a bizarre family situation.

I'd say, you can't fix what people have done to their kids, and I'd count spoiling them as being just as unfair/ immoral as other things since it doesn't adequately prepare them for life. If your boyfriend recognizes that he wants to change, or his mom recognizes that she is enabling him, then something will change. But don't let either of them push you into HER role, and make it very clear that you are not in this relationship to be the mom!

ETA: and if nothing changes, get out of the relationship. But first give your boyfriend a chance to stand on his own feet. Mom will always spoil, but I'd say it will take a huge move away from her to have him do this properly.
 
I totally agree with everything everyone has said thusfar - well almost. LOL.

Koro, I agree with you that he is, well, a deadbeat. But! See.. I dunno. If your mom paid for everything for you, and that's the way all your friends were doing it, shit you're living the high life for free and it's totally acceptable, WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE?! RIGHT?!

Though, he's not totally a deadbeat.. he has a stable job, and interviewed recently to move up to a better position (he didn't get it).. but he does have goals.

Vis, I've tried to talk to him about this, more than once. He doesn't really take what I have to say to heart, though, because my mom didn't pay for ANYTHING for me in HS and continues to not pay for ANYTHING so I'm uber independent which isn't really normal, either, you know?

Ack, I don't know.
You're right ... call it Paris Hilton Syndrome, if you will ... :rofl

I was too hard on your boyfriend, probably because I'm a bit jealous.

I mean, I also had it really easy growing up. My parents never bought me a car or offered to pay off my debts, but they never forced me to get a job and they helped pay my tuition through university (they said that the first degree is their obligation, but after that :rofl). Look at me, I turned out OK (I'll be even more OK after I pay off this $30k in debt). I guess there's hope for your boyfriend if he gets his educational career on track!

Whether or not it is possible to live off of one's parents for the rest of his or her life, it is certainly not respectable in the least. I hope he figures this out.
 
Discussion starter · #27 ·
He is not dependent on me financially.

Actually, while I was struggling this summer to pay MY BILLS, he paid for all my food, took me shopping a few times, etc. He helps me out when I ask him to, and rarely goes to me for money, much less EXPECT me to pay for his stuff.

BUT my guess is that that's because he expects his mom to pay for his stuff. I can't really say whether or not that expectation will fall on me once he moves out.

And I wouldn't break up with him on the ASSUMPTION that the expectation will fall on me.

I don't know.. I just don't think I should break up with him over something that is not totally his fault. I don't even know that it's his fault at all. I mean, sure I can say, oh, even IF my mom offered to pay everything I wouldn't let her because I'm so independent.. but I don't know if that's really true because I've never been in that position.

It may very well be that IF my mom offered to pay everything I would be like HELL YEAH!! You know? Like.. WHY WOULDN'T YOU take FREE MONEY from your parents?

Even worse, he lives in the nicer part of Orange County, the Costa Mesa/Newport Beach area, so all his friends' parents are like that, too. He doesn't see why he should feel weird about it.
 
I totally agree with everything everyone has said thusfar - well almost. LOL.

Koro, I agree with you that he is, well, a deadbeat. But! See.. I dunno. If your mom paid for everything for you, and that's the way all your friends were doing it, shit you're living the high life for free and it's totally acceptable, WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE?! RIGHT?!

Though, he's not totally a deadbeat.. he has a stable job, and interviewed recently to move up to a better position (he didn't get it).. but he does have goals.

Vis, I've tried to talk to him about this, more than once. He doesn't really take what I have to say to heart, though, because my mom didn't pay for ANYTHING for me in HS and continues to not pay for ANYTHING so I'm uber independent which isn't really normal, either, you know?

Ack, I don't know.
This is all I need to know that he isn't good enough for you. If you were my daughter, I would tell you this. :)
 
I SO WANTED TO! But.. how do I do that.. tactfully?

Not that she deserves tact or anything. Over the summer, I wanted a car, didn't have any money, so I asked my parents to help me out some - my mom didn't give me any (she really doesn't have any to give) and my dad gave me $1000. She told me to ask them again. I said I did (even though I didn't) and they wouldn't give me anymore. And she said: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?"

She actually said that. I wanted to punch her in the face. Seriously. Just because my parents don't pay for all my shit doesn't mean they are bad parents.
Oh no Christina :( That totally sucks. I don't depend on my parents for anything other than tuition and a shelter. It pisses me off when parents buy their kids cars or pay for a big chunk of it. And for her to talk about your parents like that....:shake I would be SO PISSED.

She's not helping him at all, and if she thinks it's ok to bash other people's parenting skills like that then you might as well tell her straight up about hers. At the rate she's babying/spoiling him, if something doesn't change soon it never will.
 
He is not dependent on me financially.

Actually, while I was struggling this summer to pay MY BILLS, he paid for all my food, took me shopping a few times, etc. He helps me out when I ask him to, and rarely goes to me for money, much less EXPECT me to pay for his stuff.

BUT my guess is that that's because he expects his mom to pay for his stuff. I can't really say whether or not that expectation will fall on me once he moves out.

And I wouldn't break up with him on the ASSUMPTION that the expectation will fall on me.

I don't know.. I just don't think I should break up with him over something that is not totally his fault. I don't even know that it's his fault at all. I mean, sure I can say, oh, even IF my mom offered to pay everything I wouldn't let her because I'm so independent.. but I don't know if that's really true because I've never been in that position.

It may very well be that IF my mom offered to pay everything I would be like HELL YEAH!! You know? Like.. WHY WOULDN'T YOU take FREE MONEY from your parents?

Even worse, he lives in the nicer part of Orange County, the Costa Mesa/Newport Beach area, so all his friends' parents are like that, too. He doesn't see why he should feel weird about it.
Everyone would take free money. You should be much more concerned about his apathetic slide into loserdom with regard to college.
 
This is all I need to know that he isn't good enough for you. If you were my daughter, I would tell you this. :)
I have to say I agree with John on this part. However, I personally don't really listen to other people when they comment on my relationships, because there are lots of other things that they don't know about.
 
Momma's boy... eck! It's going to hard to break this one in :magwink
Seriously, you need to think of your own future as well. It will take a very very long time for him to re-learn everything that his mother did not teach him, are you prepared to wait years (if ever)?
 
Everyone would take free money. You should be much more concerned about his apathetic slide into loserdom with regard to college.
I don't accept any money from my parents other than for my tuition and sometimes books. Av's right about the college part though.
 
He is not dependent on me financially.

Actually, while I was struggling this summer to pay MY BILLS, he paid for all my food, took me shopping a few times, etc. He helps me out when I ask him to, and rarely goes to me for money, much less EXPECT me to pay for his stuff.

BUT my guess is that that's because he expects his mom to pay for his stuff. I can't really say whether or not that expectation will fall on me once he moves out.

And I wouldn't break up with him on the ASSUMPTION that the expectation will fall on me.

I don't know.. I just don't think I should break up with him over something that is not totally his fault. I don't even know that it's his fault at all. I mean, sure I can say, oh, even IF my mom offered to pay everything I wouldn't let her because I'm so independent.. but I don't know if that's really true because I've never been in that position.

It may very well be that IF my mom offered to pay everything I would be like HELL YEAH!! You know? Like.. WHY WOULDN'T YOU take FREE MONEY from your parents?

Even worse, he lives in the nicer part of Orange County, the Costa Mesa/Newport Beach area, so all his friends' parents are like that, too. He doesn't see why he should feel weird about it.

It is nice that he helped you out this summer when you were struggling.

But you also have to look at it this way. He is making 1000-1200 a month and doesn't have any expenses. He seems to loose all this money right away. If I were him, I would be investing that money and putting it away for when I really need it. To me he is being irresponsible with his money and that can say a lot about someone in general.

I am not saying that you should break up with his just based on the fact that his mom pays for everything. But there is a cycle that is occuring here. His mom is paying for everything which is contributing to his inability to want to succeed and work hard at school. And this cycle will not be broken until he takes the responsibilities of being an adult.

I too have parents who paid for everything. I wasn't doing well in school because even though I had these goals I really didn't understand why I had to achieve them. Then I decided to move out on my own and my parents basically said "if you move out, we aren't helping you". I paid my own rent and actually supported another person besides myself. Let me tell you...all of the sudden I started to do well in school and I had motivation. I also started to save money like I never have before and I learned that it is okay to live bellow your means for a while in order to save for the future.

And just for the record, my parents did buy me a car when I moved, but they used money that had been invested in trust for me since I was a baby to buy it. I appreciate it every day though and to thank my dad I a buying him a new TV for his birthday.

You are coming to a point in your relationship where you have to decide if you are compatible wih this person. No he isn't a bad person and I am sure if some of us had parents like that we would take advantage of it. Each person is affected by circumstances differently and the way he has been affected by his circumstances may not fit in with what you are looking for in a partner.

And the next time his mom tells you to encourage him more, I say that you should ask her why she doesn't help him since she seems to be helping him so well with money...
 
I would never advise anyone to break up without knowing the full relationship history, BUT:

As much as it is his mother's responsibility to cut the cord, so to speak, if you stay with this boy you WILL end up being the one who is responsible for breaking his bad habits, if you care. It's easy to wonder now why his mom isn't taking care of these issues because he still lives in her home, but you had better get used to being the motivational one (read: nag) if you expect to continue this relationship into the territory where you will be living together.

At this point I suspect it goes way beyond being mollycoddled by his mother in that he now is probably used to someone else (and I wouldn't be surprised at all if in particular it's a FEMALE someone else) playing the role of mom. If and when she finally steps out of the picture financially he will probably be completely lost. In that sense, what you are putting off now will be put fully on your shoulders later - you will be the sole person trying to get him to go to class, to save his money, to pay his bills on time.
 
Discussion starter · #37 ·
I just called him.

Idiot me, I was crying and pissed off and I guess what I wanted to say came out.. well not the way I wanted it to.

I'm not sure exactly what to tell him. He said that as far as school goes, he's on track to have enough credits to transfer by Spring Quarter of this year (even with the classes he's dropped and withdrawn from).

He also said that he will be financially responsible when he needs to be. I said: "So you think when you move out and have to start paying for your own shit.. you will just DO IT?" And he said: "YEAH." What am I supposed to say? No, you're not...

As far as being financially responsible right now, he said that I'm not in any place to rag on him. He said that I, myself, am not financially responsible.

This is my financial situation: I go to school on a full scholarship provided by the university. I don't pay tuition, room and board, or food. I pay for my own books. I don't have a car so I don't have car payments or car insurance (though I did have it for two months, and I paid for that). I have a phone, and I pay my phone bill. Andrew and I alternate flying to see each other every month, and we alternate who pays for the flight. I have $1500 in CC debt due to not having income last year (though I do have income this year).

So, I cannot tell him to be financially independent, when I, myself am not. He's right. I don't pay for most of my expenses. School does. I tried to tell him that I worked my ass off to go to a good school that would pay for school expenses and apply for outside scholarships to cover tuition that school would not, but I guess he doesn't believe that that counts. :(
 
if he thinks your two situations are analogous, tell him to not bother transferring because he'll fail out of a self-respecting college for being that dumb
 
You're not financially independent because you were able to achieve a full scholarship program by your school?

Wow... just wow.
 
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