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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
:explode:explode:explode

Wow.. just wow.

My boyfriend is one of the most irresponsible people I know. Because of his MOM.

She pays for everything. She pays for his rent (implicitly, I guess, because he lives at home), his tuition, his books, any school expenses. She just bought him a 2007 Civic Si (the monthly payments are $350 - they initially agreed to go halfsies, but he now only pays her $100/month and some months not at all). He has $4000 in CC debt and since she opens his mail, she found out and told him she would pay off his debt. She paid for his traffic ticket for running a red light - $350. She pays for his work clothes. She pays for his dry cleaning. She pays for his phone bill. She pays his car insurance.

SHE PAYS FOR FUCKING EVERYTHING.

It has made him incredibly financially irresponsible. He makes $1000-$1200/month working part time, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL THE MONEY GOES. He doesn't either.

He is incredibly irresponsible in other respects, as well. He's been in community college for THREE YEARS now because he can't get enough credits to transfer. He took four classes this quarter, and just withdrew from two because he missed the midterms.

And when I come visit him, his mom asks me, "When is Andrew going to transfer? HELP HIM!" WTF?! No, she's not getting on HIS ASS to transfer, she's getting on MY ASS. WTF LADY?! I AM NOT GOING TO HELP HIM UNLESS HE DECIDES TO FUCKING HELP HIMSELF.

It's not like he doesn't have goals or anything, he actually does. He wants to be successful. But he is so fucking used to everything being done for him that he is incapable of getting off his ass and doing things himself.

I don't know what to do. :cry
 

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I don't know what to do. :cry
Really? Your choices seem to be:

1) stay with the dead beat, or
2) break up with the dead beat.

[Edit]

OK, ok, my initial response was very brash. Seriously though ... this guy has got to learn how to be independent. The blame does not only lie with the mother IMO! He has to make the decision not to be content to just live off of his mom's financial contributions. This kid needs a wake-up call. Not everything worth having is going to be handed to him by the women in his life (contrary to what his mother would like to believe).

[Edit #2]

The mother needs a similar wake-up call. How horrendously pathetic that she would expect you to help him get his education career on track. I would have given her a piece of my mind.
 

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WTF LADY?! I AM NOT GOING TO HELP HIM UNLESS HE DECIDES TO FUCKING HELP HIMSELF.
Exactly!!!!!

It isn't your responsibility its HIS -- but the deal is, she's totally enabling him and it isn't doing him any favors.

She needs to let him fall on his ass once or twice and NOT toss her mommy pillow under it to break his fall.

This was an issue with my husband for awhile -- but for different reasons: His mom was obsessive compulsive (clinically) and no matter what he tried to do on his own growing up, it was literally taken out of his hands because it wasn't being done *her* way.

She was also extraordinarily controlling -- is his mom controlling as well? What's up with her?
 

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Okay, guys do take longer to figure things out with their lives. With that said, your BF has no incentive to do anything more than what he is doing now. His mom takes care of everything for him.

When she isn't around, who do you think he will lean against? You need to have a serious talk with your BF about what he wants out of life.
 

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Do you think his mom will adopt me? I need someone to pay my bills.

Anyways, she prob expects you to do his school work for him because that is what she would do. Pretty sad. Unfortunately, your BF is probably used to getting everything handed to him and that really isn't going to change.
 

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Wow. It sounds like he needs to grow up and start learning what responsibility is all about..My boyfriends parents are the exact same way to my bf's brother. He has everything paid for, car, insurance, school, gas, and he also had $4000 in CC debt that his parents are now paying off.. It seems like living like that teaches them that its ok to get yourself backed up like that b/c mommie or daddy will pay it off for you anyway.

I think you should ask him what he wants to do with his life, does he want to live on his own ever or does he want to be under the wing of his mom forever. Even though he has goals, it doesn't seem like he is actually trying--Seriously, taking 4 classes and dropping 2 of them b/c he missed the midterm--well, I mean, he shouldn't have missed the midterm, thats just a part of the responsibility of growing up and going to school for your education. You need to make time for your education because no one else will care to help you get involved or motivated but yourself.

Haha, this topic gets me heated b/c my BF and I talk about it all the time regarding his brother..

Good Luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I totally agree with everything everyone has said thusfar - well almost. LOL.

Koro, I agree with you that he is, well, a deadbeat. But! See.. I dunno. If your mom paid for everything for you, and that's the way all your friends were doing it, shit you're living the high life for free and it's totally acceptable, WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE?! RIGHT?!

Though, he's not totally a deadbeat.. he has a stable job, and interviewed recently to move up to a better position (he didn't get it).. but he does have goals.

Vis, I've tried to talk to him about this, more than once. He doesn't really take what I have to say to heart, though, because my mom didn't pay for ANYTHING for me in HS and continues to not pay for ANYTHING so I'm uber independent which isn't really normal, either, you know?

Ack, I don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Exactly!!!!!

It isn't your responsibility its HIS -- but the deal is, she's totally enabling him and it isn't doing him any favors.

She needs to let him fall on his ass once or twice and NOT toss her mommy pillow under it to break his fall.

This was an issue with my husband for awhile -- but for different reasons: His mom was obsessive compulsive (clinically) and no matter what he tried to do on his own growing up, it was literally taken out of his hands because it wasn't being done *her* way.

She was also extraordinarily controlling -- is his mom controlling as well? What's up with her?
OMG YES!!!

I totally agree with EVERYTHING.

I want to like, slap her, and say DUDE. IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIM HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEARN TO DO SHIT HIMSELF. He never paid his traffic ticket because he knew eventually she was going to pay it. He never tried to pay off his CC because he knew eventually she was going to do it. FOR SHIT'S SAKE, WOMAN, LET HIM FUCK UP FOR ONCE!

But, of course, I can't say that. :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You sound like you already know this - not husband material.:blink
Aw.. I see what you're saying. I DO NOT want a man who will mooch off me and make me do everything.

BUT I'm hoping that at some point he will move out, learn to be financially responsible, and then become husband material. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
The mother needs a similar wake-up call. How horrendously pathetic that she would expect you to help him get his education career on track. I would have given her a piece of my mind.
I SO WANTED TO! But.. how do I do that.. tactfully?

Not that she deserves tact or anything. Over the summer, I wanted a car, didn't have any money, so I asked my parents to help me out some - my mom didn't give me any (she really doesn't have any to give) and my dad gave me $1000. She told me to ask them again. I said I did (even though I didn't) and they wouldn't give me anymore. And she said: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?"

She actually said that. I wanted to punch her in the face. Seriously. Just because my parents don't pay for all my shit doesn't mean they are bad parents.
 

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Wow she sure does love her son. For some reason i keep hearing the music from psycho in my head as I am reading this...

That being said, I have to agree with what a lot of people on here are saying, not hubby material. I have delt with people who are taken care of by others all the time (whether it has been parents who take care of them or partners/spouses) and it is VERY difficult as they never learn to do things for themselves. I can also imagine that it is frustrating for you to watch this as you probably have had to do many things on your own (like most people).

The problem that you are going to run into if you continue your relationship is that he is goign to start seeing you as a mother figure and may expect you to do all of this stuff for him. I don't know how old he is or how long you two have been together but if your relationship progresses any further and you end up moving in with him you may find yourself having to pay for all of the rent, food, and any other expenses because he hasn't learned how to handle these things himself.

The reason why it is taking him so long to get through school is because of his mom. He may say that he has goals but why does he have to work his ass off at school to become successful when he has a mom at home who gives him money and does everything for him? If he were to move out of his mom's place and start having to depend on himself he may actually realize what the real world is like...you need to do well in school so you can get a good job to make good money and not have to struggle from paycheque to paycheque. You start to learn to *gasp* invest your money and save it for your future ratehr then spend it all at once!

Trust me, once you start seeing a guy who is financially stable, and has a career and is independant it is like a whole new world has opened up. You need to tell this guy that he either smartens up and starts doing things for himself or you are outta there!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Oh. I forgot.

For reference, I am 19, and he is 20.

So I mean, we're in that time when people are still getting parental help, but NOT (or at least I don't think) to the extent that he is.
 

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I'm 20 too. I also get parental help. There's a difference between parental help and being a lazy fucking slob who is failing at community college.
 

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Aw.. I see what you're saying. I DO NOT want a man who will mooch off me and make me do everything.

BUT I'm hoping that at some point he will move out, learn to be financially responsible, and then become husband material. :)
not likely. trust me, i went through a very similar thing with my ex-dh. they don't change because it's the way they were raised.

don't waste your life waiting for him to change, cus it ain't gonna happen sweetie.
 

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BUT I'm hoping that at some point he will move out, learn to be financially responsible, and then become husband material. :)
While brash...good luck with that. Core values are EXTREMELY hard to change. I doubt that you getting on his case will be enough to change him. Perhaps a break up+getting kicked out of his house might do something. But I don't think trying to "fix" him does good for anyone. Or maybe a breakup will cause him to try and win you back...which requires him to become more financially responsible :p
 

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I was dating a guy like this. His mom wasn't helping out financially because "I" was. We lived together for a total of 2 years and he didn't put a dime into anything (I justified it because it was my house and I loved him). His mom didn't teach him about responsibilities and I pushed him to help but I wasn't going to get behind on my bills while waiting for him to step up so I broke it off.

Sounds to me, this is the road you will face if he does decide to eventually move out. He'll no longer depend on his mom but instead, you. Let's see, we were both 20 at the time and you know what? It's 3 years later and he's still not doing anything. =/
 
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