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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay everyone I need to give a friend some advice and I really don't understand men so i need your help.

She met a guy at a party (my friend is also Jewish, it was a Jewish party, guy is jewish as well) took notice of him right away and apparently he took notice of her right away because he came up to her introduced himself to her and they proceeded to have a great conversation. They exchanged phone numbers and he contacted her and they went on a great first date.

They have gone out numerous times, she has even cooked dinner for him, gone to synagogue with him, met his friends and has stayed at his place. They haven't actually had sex with each other, however they have gotten physical in other ways. She doesn't want to get really physical without commitment and he is aware of this and respects this. They get along wonderfully, see each other once a week and are having a lot of fun. He usually contacts her and invites her out although she has started to get a little more comfortable and has initiated contact as well.

A couple dates back he revealed to her that he just got out of a long term relationship a few months ago (2-3 months ago i think). The relationship ended partially due to cultural differences and possibly other things which she is not aware of as of yet.

He has also said to her that he isn't looking for anything serious right now but he makes it very clear to her (and has even told her) that he REALLY likes her a lot (with an emphasis on REALLY and A LOT). She also just got out of a relationship (similar circumstances) and isn't looking for anything serious at the moment, but she does really like him a lot and would like to continue what they have and see where it goes. They are both attracted to each other physically (he is always telling her how beautiful she is) so we know that physical attraction isn't an issue.

However she is a bit puzzled about his "not looking for anything serious" comment. He has made it very clear to her that he likes her a lot both in words and in actions. He speaks about marriage a lot as well and has even made little jokes about the two of them getting married. Thus she is not too sure how to proceed with their "relationship". It is obvious that he is interested in her...but is he just scared to get back into another serious relationship again? She asked him if he is seeing anyone else just out of curiosity and he said no. He has also made it clear to her that he isn't looking for a "just sex" relationship at all and isn't looking to play the field.

Now I don't understand men seeing as how I am a) A woman and b) I date other women so I don't know hot to advise her on this one. In my opinion he may actually be falling for her, however since he did just get out of a relationship it may be too soon for him to jump back in. Thus he basically told her "I really like you a lot, maybe I am falling for you, but I need time before I put a label on this so please don't push me."

However like i said I am not the best person to give advice on men so if there are any men and women with better insight who can comment please do so.

Y'all rock my world!
 

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Gosh I stink, I need to take my own advice



I think they should just take it day by day.
neither want to be the rebound,
It really sounds like both are guarding themselves from being "hurt" again.


Honestly, I would take every single day for what it is worth, and not push/rush anything.

It is nice to see that he isn't looking for the "sex" part right away.


If its meant to be it will develop, when ready.....and if not, at least it may not be a sad heartbreak?

I hope I make sense:)
 

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Honestly, you cannot put love or relationships on a timeline... sometimes, when you least expect to find someone, you do. I think that is what happened here. He may not want a relationship now per se, but the alternative (losing her) is an even worse option.

He definitely digs her -- they just need to take it one day at a time and not have expectations. Move SLOWLY.
 

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I don't know much about men and their motives either so I don't know where he is coming from. However, it sounds like your friend is trying to plan everything out and things don't always work that way. She should try to sit back and go with the flow and see where everything goes. Also, I think it is smart that she isn't going all the way with him without a commitment (just my old fashioned thinking).
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
This sounds like exactly what he wants/needs, and it sounds like he has been pretty clear about it. What's the confusion!?!

You women try to make everything so complicated :)


j/k!
Actually...I think that this is what he is saying to her as well. And she isn't even pushing him either! She is just being her normal super nice self.

However a lot of people interperate the "not looking for anything serious but I really like you" as a guy saying:

1) I like you for sex
2) I am a player
3) I am commitment Phobic
4) I am just not that into you
5) I am trying to break things off with you

I personally do not think it is any one of those 5. He mas made a major effort to contact her (long story) and seems to find excuses to get together with her when he can...thus i really don't think he isn't into her. In fact I think it is the exact opposite. He is REALLY into her, but just wasn't expecting this so soon after breaking it off with someone.

Her biggest concerns revolve around not seeming pushy. She would like to ask him out on dates occasionally but doesn't want to seem too pushy. She has been keeping things very casual so far (a lot more casual then she is actually feeling as well because she is falling for him).
 

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Actually...I think that this is what he is saying to her as well. And she isn't even pushing him either! She is just being her normal super nice self.

However a lot of people interperate the "not looking for anything serious but I really like you" as a guy saying:

1) I like you for sex
2) I am a player
3) I am commitment Phobic
4) I am just not that into you
5) I am trying to break things off with you

I personally do not think it is any one of those 5. He mas made a major effort to contact her (long story) and seems to find excuses to get together with her when he can...thus i really don't think he isn't into her. In fact I think it is the exact opposite. He is REALLY into her, but just wasn't expecting this so soon after breaking it off with someone.

Her biggest concerns revolve around not seeming pushy. She would like to ask him out on dates occasionally but doesn't want to seem too pushy. She has been keeping things very casual so far (a lot more casual then she is actually feeling as well because she is falling for him).

I think you have the answer Linds :)

I think they both weren't expecting to feel so 'falling in love' so soon
and both seem to be holding back in fear of getting hurt and in fear of hurting the other (imo)
The only advice I would give echo's everyone else's.
Just take it as it comes, a day at a time! :D
I am a romantic from way back, if it is meant to be, then it will be :love
and they sound like they are pretty much in tune with each other, being able to talk about stuff like that to each other :thumbsup
 

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This advice will fly in the face of what your friend thinks, but keep in mind I was single for a VERY long time and dated for 20 years! I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince and was hurt by a few as well, so I speak from experience here.

If I were your friend I would be very cautious. A red flag for me was that the guy was "mentioning" marriage and making jokes about them getting married, but says he is not looking for anything serious. A good guy would not be sending these mixed signals and def. not hinting at a commitment this early in the relationship. He is bringing her into parts of his life but she still does not know what ended his last relationship. My feeling is that he is trying to suck her in and when she gets too "demanding", he will be long gone. I could be wrong, but your friend should not put all her eggs in one basket with this guy.

Tell her to go on other dates, even if she is not too keen on the idea. She needs to pull away ever so slightly. And tell her not to ask him out! She needs to see how often he is willing to see her if left to his own devices.
 

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Similar thing happened to a friend of mine... they now live together and are in a very loving relationship... coming to 2 years now I think. At the start they were both immediately attracted to each other (they are both HOT!) and were constantly saying they weren't looking for a relationship just yet, but ended up just seeing each other more and more and more... and after about 4 months I think they finally made it "official".

I think when you make something "official" expectations are placed on each other and perhaps they/he is just not ready for that yet. But I can understand that there may be some frustration as to where they stand with each other if nothing has been said about exclusively dating etc. I guess for now, just tell her to enjoy herself and it'll just be a natural progression.
 

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This advice will fly in the face of what your friend thinks, but keep in mind I was single for a VERY long time and dated for 20 years! I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince and was hurt by a few as well, so I speak from experience here.

If I were your friend I would be very cautious. A red flag for me was that the guy was "mentioning" marriage and making jokes about them getting married, but says he is not looking for anything serious. A good guy would not be sending these mixed signals and def. not hinting at a commitment this early in the relationship. He is bringing her into parts of his life but she still does not know what ended his last relationship. My feeling is that he is trying to suck her in and when she gets too "demanding", he will be long gone. I could be wrong, but your friend should not put all her eggs in one basket with this guy.

Tell her to go on other dates, even if she is not too keen on the idea. She needs to pull away ever so slightly. And tell her not to ask him out! She needs to see how often he is willing to see her if left to his own devices.
Gee I don't understand why someone would want to do this? that is like playing games and not being straightforward.
Why date other people if you don't want to? And why not ask the guy out every now and then? :IDK
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Gee I don't understand why someone would want to do this? that is like playing games and not being straightforward.
Why date other people if you don't want to? And why not ask the guy out every now and then? :IDK
I think asking the guy out is totally fine. I would be flatered if I were a guy and this girl I met asked me out after I did the asking a lot.

Her biggest thing is waiting around for him to contact her. She is scared to contact him and ask him out or see what he is up to because she is afraid of seeming too pushy. Does anyone have any opinions on that?

To me it seems that if they get along well and enjoy being around each other there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to text him or Email him or even pick up the phone and say "hey want to see a movie with me this weekend?" But she is hesitant as she doesn't want to seem needy or pushy.

They don't talk every day or anything...maybe a couple of text messages here and there throughout the week. They will make plans to see each other once or twice a week or so as they are both busy people (both are professionals). They just enjoy each other's company a lot!
 

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I was actually IN a similar situation. It wasn't exactly the same, but similar enough that I feel comfortable advising this:

If he says "I really like you but I don't want a serious relationship" it doesn't matter WHAT else he's saying. What he means is: "I really like you and I don't want a serious relationship. That might change at some point in the future."

(In my case, it was "I really like you, and I never want to get married. Ever. In fact, I really want to keep you, but also date other people. Oh, and btw, we're never going to live in the same state from here on out, k?")

My guy introduced me to his family, with whom I'm still close. I typically call his mom to wish her happy mommy day. I mean, we were CLOSE!

Tell your friend that no matter what he says or does, until he says "I'm ready to take another step and be involved in a committed relationship with you" (or words to that effect) he simply isn't going to.

She doesn't necessarily need to date other people, but she needs to prepare herself for the likelihood that he might never commit.

-Penny
 

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I think it's totally fine for her to call. Especially if it's just as you say "hey, want to see a movie"... generally, guys don't read too much into things as much as girls do :rofl... I think that's how it goes anyway :IDK
But I totally am an advocate for the talking over the phone/emailing thing... it helps them to get to know each other without the physical side of things and that's healthy.
 

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I think she should just wait it out. I know that when I got out of my most serious relationship (before I met FI of course) I was still very raw from the breakup even thought I *thought* I was past it. I was definitely looking for and open to love, but when it came down to the serious requirements of a relationship I balked many times because down deep inside, I wasn't ready. I think its a really good thing that he's not rushing into anything because if he did, she might end up being dumped faster than anything because they moved too fast, too soon. I know I ended up shunning a lot of guys that pushed hardcore for a relationship immediate. None of them understood where I was coming from either. They all thought I didn't really like them, was interested in other people, was just jerking them around etc. (I got the "why are you acting like a guy??? thing a lot. Just because I was a girl they thought I would be over the moon to immediately have another boyfriend) Totally not the case, well except that I was still interested in my ex (even thought I knew it was SO over). She shouldn't be afraid to call him though. I'm sure he likes her so it wouldn't seem pushy. But and this is a HUGE but, she has to understand that he's not ready. And he probably won't be ready for a while. Maybe weeks. Maybe months. Maybe years. Heck, it took me 2 years before I settled down with FI. If she's ok with that prospect then good for her. If not, then she might want to look elsewhere.
 

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I've been in the same boat. Just take it day by day, tell her not to worry about putting a label on it. Jumping back on the relationship wagon is very intimidating so if they're having fun, then leave it at that. Now, when it comes time to getting physical, be very careful. One partner may see it casual while the other see it as serious. Just have fun, life is all about experiences.
 

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Tell your friend that no matter what he says or does, until he says "I'm ready to take another step and be involved in a committed relationship with you" (or words to that effect) he simply isn't going to.

She doesn't necessarily need to date other people, but she needs to prepare herself for the likelihood that he might never commit.

-Penny

^^^I totally agree with that, that was the case for me as well.
 

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I've been in the same boat. Just take it day by day, tell her not to worry about putting a label on it. Jumping back on the relationship wagon is very intimidating so if they're having fun, then leave it at that. Now, when it comes time to getting physical, be very careful. One partner may see it casual while the other see it as serious. Just have fun, life is all about experiences.
agreed :thumbsup
Women seem to over analyze things especially dating & relationships (IMO)
I know I have :madbeating
she just has to make sure she keeps her life going as normal :D
 
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