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Old 03-05-2010, 08:55 PM
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Creative discipline methods?

So my 12 year old daughter is out of control. She just doesn't care about anything. Her grades are slipping, she's got a bad attitude, & she's very sneaky & manipulative.

I have tried everything. Grounding doesn't work. I took her allowance away & she doesn't care.

One thing I have come up with has to do with my kids keeping their rooms tidy. I warned & warned them to straighten up & I had finally had it.

I made my daughter wear the same outfit to school for a week. My son had to wear a shirt, tie, & slacks because he'd be happy if he had to wear sweats to school.

Let me tell you that it worked. Their rooms are nice & clean. Sierra really hated that. And so did Ethan but it really makes me upset that I buy them all these nice clothes & they throw them on the floor. I am rewarding them for obeying me though. I bought Sierra a pair of 7fam that Nola led me to & Ethan wanted Under Armor stuff. I haven't given them to them yet & I won't until they I see that they are keeping it up.

I need some more creative disciplinary actions. Any ideas would help
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Old 03-06-2010, 02:21 PM
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That's a really good idea!

No kids for me, but the thing that stands out from when I was a bratty preteen is losing the door on my bedroom. My parents would take it down off the hinges. That got me to act better, fast!
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:07 PM
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My neighbors have a 12 year old daughter and when her room gets messy they ask her to clean it up. If they have to ask her more than once the father goes in her room and destroys it...I mean he tosses it up like an addict searching for a fix would toss a room up. He dumps out her entire dresser, he pulls all the clothes out of the closet, he throws everything on the floor and rips her bed apart. Then he asks her again to clean it. It always works. She always ends up in tears and then spends the entire day cleaning her room when it would have only taken her 30 minutes to pick it up the first time they asked her.

One that used to really get me was getting grounded from the phone...I hated that!
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:28 PM
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i have done the same as ^ that father.

with six of them i have to stay on top of the mess. i have completely emptied their closets, then made them re-do it. it took ONE time and they got the point.

there is no place in my home for disrespect for their possessions. we work damn hard to buy them nice things; the least they can do is fold it/hang it or put it in the laundry chute.

i've also bagged all their clothes that were on the floor (different daughters than above) and they were left with three or four outfits. for every day their rooms stayed clean, they got ONE item back. it took a while to get their stuff back, but they also learned.

of course, #5 and #6 have no concept yet, although #5 is learning FAST.

OH, and i forgot. my top four put their OWN laundry away. the older two actually do some of the laundry as well. it's amazing how neat they can be when THEY had to put their stuff away. little things make the difference, and positive reinforcement (look how grown-up you are for putting your own laundry away) works.

i'm all for the reward system, but ONLY for stuff that's beyond what's required as a family member. neat rooms is a requirement, not a special "gift" for me.
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:49 PM
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So this really has nothing to do with the OP but...

Looking back on how I was as a kid, I probably would have gone apeshit if my parents had tried any of these methods on me. Then again, I've always been OCD about people messing with my stuff--probably the reason I wouldn't have been able to deal with having siblings--and most kids are probably different from how I was/am. If your child is one who doesn't like other people touching/rearranging/borrowing their things without permission, you could unleash a monster if you try those tactics

If neatness is an issue, have you thought of lack of storage space as a cause? Even now, I find that my bedroom in my apt. is really cluttered just because I don't have a place for all of my stuff. My mom had the brilliant idea to toss all my old hangers and get me new ones, but she didn't get me nearly enough, so as I type this I have a huge pile of shirts and jeans on my bed with no place to put them (I also have a dresser that's so stuffed I can hardly open each drawer without all the others also pulling out). I probably need 30 more hangers, not to mention the special tiered hangers I use for my jeans. It doesn't help that being in Michigan, you need 4 different wardrobes (for each season ) and with the wild weather swings we get, it's not really worth your while to put anything away, because soon enough you'll need those items again...

So, uh, yeah. I don't have anything really helpful to say for the original topic...but she sounds like a lot of 12-year-olds, honestly I was a bit like that when I was a little younger, probably 10-11 (a bit of an early bloomer here), so I'm betting most of it is hormonal. I know it sucks but I'm pretty confident she won't stay like that forever...at least it's happening when she's 12 and not when she's 16 and can drive/is more likely to engage in sketchier conduct
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:04 PM
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You're right Shi. They shouldn't be rewarded for everyday things like that. I guess I feel bad for making my kids feel bad but then again, it hurts me when they don't obey.
I'll have to find another way to reward them.

Its like I'm a broken record. I get so mad when I have to say the same things over & over. I feel like they are old enough that these responsibilities shouldn't be that hard. And, the lack of respect for their things really bothers me.

PC, I hope she grows out of it because she is driving me insane.

Oh, and her room is huge and she has a walk-in closet bigger than mine so lack of space is not an issue.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:22 PM
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Just a thought...obviously, mine aren't old enough to deal with this yet, but I had a thought reading your last post about them not respecting their things. What if you just stop buying them nice stuff? I mean, instead of buying your daughter nice jeans, just buy them from Old Navy? Or would that not bother her, either?
I really wish I had something better to offer, I'm sorry I can't say any one thing caused it, but from a very young age, I was very careful with my things, I had a great-grandmother who spoiled me with nice things like a TV and VCR (back in the day when it wasn't common for a kid to have those things in their room), and nice furniture (desk and bed), etc. Horrible as it sounds, she bought me nicer things than my cousins, b/c I actually took care of my stuff, and they didn't.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:42 PM
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I don't have any kids, but being a 19 year old with 3 older siblings and 1 younger sibling, I've seen my share of disciplinary techniques.

My parents were having problems with my three older siblings keeping their rooms picked up when they were in their tween/teen years as you mentioned. My mom warned that anything on the floor after the weekend was over would be put in garbage bags and donated. My older siblings didn't believe her and left their rooms as they were, when they came home from school all the stuff that was on the floor was, indeed, gone.

She waited almost 2 weeks (during which all the bedrooms were kept clean) before she revealed that she hadn't donated their things and they got them back. She made it known that next time they really would be donated or trashed. I'm pretty sure that she never had that issue with them again.

I also remember my older brother having to clean the whole bathroom with a toothbrush after repeatedly being told to clean up the bathroom after he was done showering/brushing teeth/etc. He never left the bathroom dirty again.

It doesn't sound like your kids are quite old enough for this yet, but my little brother (16 years old) has a a seriously bad attitude and is getting poor grades and he's been told that he can't get his driver's permit until both areas improve. For a 16 year old who would like to be going on dates and driving his friends around, this is a very big deal.

I agree with Rivkah also, losing my bedroom door during my tween/early teen years would have been enough to get me to do (or stop doing) just about anything.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:54 PM
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a child going ape-shit on me is not going to stop me from teaching them how to respect their things. my children will not "fear" me into backing down; they can be pissed at me, that's fine. PC, you no longer live in your mom's house, so you can throw your clothes all over now.

(by the way, my kids know better than to go ape-shit on me, btw).

it's a hell of a lot different when you only have one child (like in PC's case being the only child) than having many children. can you imagine if i let them all be messy? sure, i'm all for individuality and letting them express their creativity, but it will be within limits and will not impose on my space.

i have to pick my battles; respect for one's possessions and respect for parents is NOT negotiable.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:54 PM
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Just a thought...obviously, mine aren't old enough to deal with this yet, but I had a thought reading your last post about them not respecting their things. What if you just stop buying them nice stuff? I mean, instead of buying your daughter nice jeans, just buy them from Old Navy? Or would that not bother her, either?
I really wish I had something better to offer, I'm sorry I can't say any one thing caused it, but from a very young age, I was very careful with my things, I had a great-grandmother who spoiled me with nice things like a TV and VCR (back in the day when it wasn't common for a kid to have those things in their room), and nice furniture (desk and bed), etc. Horrible as it sounds, she bought me nicer things than my cousins, b/c I actually took care of my stuff, and they didn't.
I took care of my stuff too. There were 6 of us and my parents struggled so we all respected what we had.

I was a single mom for 5 years and really struggled so my kids have not been spoiled. The reason for Sierra getting some new jeans is because I cleaned out her closet and she has nothing left. She has grown so much. She's my size now just shorter.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:56 PM
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I took care of my stuff too. There were 6 of us and my parents struggled so we all respected what we had.

I was a single mom for 5 years and really struggled so my kids have not been spoiled. The reason for Sierra getting some new jeans is because I cleaned out her closet and she has nothing left. She has grown so much. She's my size now just shorter.
I wasn't suggesting that they're spoiled, I hope you didn't think that's what I meant. I just didn't know if buying her "cheap" stuff might make her think twice and appreciate the nice stuff more.
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Old 03-06-2010, 07:06 PM
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I wasn't suggesting that they're spoiled, I hope you didn't think that's what I meant. I just didn't know if buying her "cheap" stuff might make her think twice and appreciate the nice stuff more.
Oh no, I didn't take it that way. They have Old Navy clothes too. You're right, it doesn't matter the brands. She just doesn't care about anything.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:36 PM
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You have to find what she cares about and then take that away. That is the only advice I can think of. Good luck with this. I really liked the donating stuff and taking the door off idea.
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Old 03-06-2010, 11:02 PM
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So this really has nothing to do with the OP but...

Looking back on how I was as a kid, I probably would have gone apeshit if my parents had tried any of these methods on me. Then again, I've always been OCD about people messing with my stuff--probably the reason I wouldn't have been able to deal with having siblings--and most kids are probably different from how I was/am. If your child is one who doesn't like other people touching/rearranging/borrowing their things without permission, you could unleash a monster if you try those tactics
Trust me, I am VERY big on privacy, and I guarantee that I did go apeshit. It was such a horrible punishment! I don't even remember what I did to deserve it, but I probably deserved far worse! I hope my future kids don't suck as much as I did!
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Old 03-07-2010, 09:20 AM
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PC, you no longer live in your mom's house, so you can throw your clothes all over now.
unfortunately, my mom doesn't realize that Whenever she comes over to my apartment she ransacks the place and I never know where anything is...even after a few angry phone calls asking "where the flying f*** did you put ______?!?!?"

The last couple of times she's been over, we've blown up at each other to the point that I've basically told her she's no longer invited over. That's 2 performances of my compositions (which are special occasions!) that she's ruined thus far
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Old 03-07-2010, 01:36 PM
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it's a hell of a lot different when you only have one child (like in PC's case being the only child) than having many children. .
I am an only child, and my parents tried for years to have me, so I was and still am the light of their lives (which is fabulous, don't get me wrong).

That being said, my parents respected me and my individuality, but I wouldn't even dream of going "apeshit" on my mother or father. My mom would put my stuff in a pile by the door, and say "feel free to leave. Let's see who will buy stuff for you, feed you and clothe you." I was smart enough to know she meant it, and she was right.

Erica, I agree - you have to find something she likes or values, and threaten to take that away temporarily (Ipod, TV privileges, whatever works), then follow through even if it breaks your heart to see her miserable. Return the item after the specified period of time if she complies, then take it away again if she misbehaves, but for a longer period of time. Let her know ahead of time what the penalty for misbehaving is and most importantly follow through - you have to always make credible threats.
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Old 03-07-2010, 01:48 PM
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unfortunately, my mom doesn't realize that Whenever she comes over to my apartment she ransacks the place and I never know where anything is...even after a few angry phone calls asking "where the flying f*** did you put ______?!?!?"

The last couple of times she's been over, we've blown up at each other to the point that I've basically told her she's no longer invited over. That's 2 performances of my compositions (which are special occasions!) that she's ruined thus far
This makes me so sad PC
I cherish my mom & feel awful that I was mean to her when I was younger. Nobody loves you like your mom
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Old 03-07-2010, 04:26 PM
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I cherish my mom & feel awful that I was mean to her when I was younger. Nobody loves you like your mom
I agree 100%. I try to make up for it as much as possible...
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Old 03-07-2010, 04:29 PM
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agree as well.
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Old 03-07-2010, 04:38 PM
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This makes me so sad PC
I cherish my mom & feel awful that I was mean to her when I was younger. Nobody loves you like your mom
Yeah, I know our relationship isn't really like how most moms and daughters are...basically she had some abuse going on that screwed her up (possibly with actual brain damage, though her severe ADD, among other things, is probably genetic) and that's been transferred onto me, so our dynamic will probably never be normal. If I end up going the kids route (through adoption or otherwise), I'd like to strive to treat them as I myself would want to be treated...I think some parents forget to do that sometimes.
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Old 03-07-2010, 04:48 PM
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Aww I'm sorry PC. You've got it right though. Do unto others as you would have done to you
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Old 03-07-2010, 05:05 PM
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My best friend and I were talking about something similar today and she said one of the most memorable and, now that she looks back on it, beneficial punishments her parents had was the "Attitude Jar".

At age 13 everytime she coped an attitude with her parents/grandparents/siblings she would have to put a dollar in the "Attitude Jar". She said it took $15 in one day at age 13 (when the only $ she had was from birthdays and a small allowance) to keep her for coping an attitude for a very long time.

When she was 17 the "attitude issue" sprung up again and her parents raised the "fine" to $5 a pop. She was sure that they wouldn't hold to it. She ended up putting $105 in the jar within a three day span, but she was sure that they would give it back to her. When they didn't, she realized they were serious and her attitude improved immediately.
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Old 03-07-2010, 05:20 PM
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^Thats good.

My sister does "Dellinger dollars" and it's kind of the opposite of that. She uses Monopoly money to reward her kids for having good attitudes and going above and beyond their normal chores.

They get to spend it all kinds of different ways but she says it's working. The kids find it fun and they are as old as 15.
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Old 03-07-2010, 05:25 PM
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I'd like to strive to treat them as I myself would want to be treated...I think some parents forget to do that sometimes.
I think the situation is not that simple but I know what you mean. When one is an adult and the other a hormonal preteen/teen this rule doesn't apply. This rule works with equals and call me a dictator but children and parents are not equal. Equals as humans but that is about it.
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Old 03-07-2010, 05:32 PM
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^I guess that's where we disagree. I'm an extremely egalitarian person and treat everyone with the same level of respect, unless of course they show that they don't deserve it or demonstrate that they do deserve a higher level of respect. Children are people too...if you treat them like adults, many times they will act more like it. Also, with bad parents you can get into really bad situations with that kind of abuse of power...
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