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Old 12-11-2009, 01:52 PM
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Spinoff snooping thread

ok, so everyone agrees that snooping through your significant other's stuff is a huge no-no...

but what about your children's stuff?

1) is it EVER ok?
2) at what age is it NOT ok anymore?
3) under what circumstances IS it ok? drug suspicion, etc?
4) do you know your child(ren)'s passwords, etc.?
5) does your significant other agree with you?


let's see where this goes.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:57 PM
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I have lots to say about this but I am too busy checking my kids myspace accounts at the moment. Will be back.....
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:58 PM
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Just kidding.

But I do have lots to say about this.

Growing up in a home where I was not allowed to hang out with friends unless they were on the 'approved' list or do anything besides go to church and an occassional night out to the Movies (with church friends and adult chaparone), I learned to keep EVERYTHING from my parents. I couldn't tell them anything and I was treated like a child until I started my own family. My parents would go through my stuff constantly and would get rid of whatever they did not find appropriate. For example, if they didn't like an article of clothing that I had purchased myself, they would throw it out. My Mom would go through everything in my room. Fortunately my parents were not computer savvy enough to get into my personal business there but everything else was rifled through. I became very sneaky as a result. And very rebelious. I vowed to raise my kids extremely different.

To this day I panick if someone gets into my purse, onto my laptop, or goes through my phone. Not because I feel I have something to hid, but it's because I feel violated.

My oldest children (nearly 13 and 11) have Myspace accounts and Facebook accounts. Althought I do have their passwords (that was the only way I would let them have the accounts), I have never gotten into them and won't. They also have cell phones and I have never gone through them. My oldest son and I actually have the same exact Palm Pre and we both have accidentally grabbed each other's phones in the morning on the way out the door. I still won't go through it when that happens. (lol and I hope he doesn't go through mine!)

I have the relationship with my kids that I wanted with my Parents when I was growing up. My kids truly feel like they can talk to me about anything....and they do. Sometimes they tell me TOO much and I am left saying "OMG OMG I don't want to know that". I will strive to keep this relationship with them for the rest of our lives. When kids feel comfortable talking to their parents about everything, then there is far less to hide.

So in short, I don't feel it's ok to go through your children's stuff. Oh, and my Husband and I are in total agreement.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:13 PM
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These are tough questions for me to answer mainly because my children are too little to have to worry about having to do this. I do however occasionally listen to my daughter's phone conversations with one of her Grandmas. This lady is psychotic though and at times feeds my daughter full of crap so in my mind, I'm doing it to protect her.

My good friend has a 16 year old daughter and closely monitors what she does online, has her FB & Myspace passwords, listens to her voice mails and reads her text messages. IMO, some of that is being a little over protective but I may not think so when my daughter is 16.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:18 PM
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Oh, I will throw out there that I have 4 boys. I might be singing a whole other tune if I had girls.
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:19 PM
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I have such mixed feelings on this subject I just hope that I can make up my mind (and be in agreement with hubby) by the time I need to worry about it. Part of me says it's wrong to snoop, no matter who it is, but part of me says that they are MY children, and it's my job to keep them safe, no matter what
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:19 PM
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i have NEVER snooped in my kids stuff searching for incriminating evidence.
i have looked for missing things in their rooms .. but have never intentionally went out of my way and opened that 'suspicious' looking box or whatever. parents need to respect their kids privacy IMO.
i would never ever go through my kids stuff UNLESS i was worried about thier safety and well being... like if i thought they were going to hurt themselves.. i would gather all of the sharp stuff and remove it!
they have a right to have a private life too.
i have always been very open with my kids, and I TRUST THEM.
zachary is only 8. the worst thing i've found in his room thus far is a play microwave full of dirt and rocks.
ricky is very much anti drugs and alcohol. i believe he will remain this way his entire life.
ricky uses condoms and i'll even buy them for him if he has no cash.
i could probably figure out his pw's to everything but why? i TRUST him.

i do not hide stuff from my kids.. and they have no reason to feel the need to hide anything from me.
be open with your children.. talk to them about drugs, sex .. everything.
let them know you are always there to listen .. and you were a kid once too.
be truthful.
accept that your kids may try drugs, know that they will eventually have sex .. and talk to them.
don't shelter your kids and try to keep them safe from the 'real world'
eeep! that's the worst mistake a parent could ever make.

i'm done.


lol.. i accidentally deleted parts of that.
i mentioned the condoms because i had written that one reason parents snoop is because they think their kids are having SEX!
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:19 PM
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1) is it EVER ok?
yes... eta: want to clarify that i don't really think it's right, but sometimes it's necessary imo.

2) at what age is it NOT ok anymore?
when they are adults and no longer live under my roof

3) under what circumstances IS it ok? drug suspicion, etc?
any circumstance that is potentially harmful to them

4) do you know your child(ren)'s passwords, etc.?
i plan to closely monitor my kids' online activity when they reach that age. now i don't mean that i'm going to read their messages and snoop through their stuff.

5) does your significant other agree with you?
we haven't really talked about it yet since our little ones are still so young. i'm sure he will agree with me though.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by aswin View Post
I have such mixed feelings on this subject I just hope that I can make up my mind (and be in agreement with hubby) by the time I need to worry about it. Part of me says it's wrong to snoop, no matter who it is, but part of me says that they are MY children, and it's my job to keep them safe, no matter what
This is where I am. A family member of mine was getting highly inappropriate texts from a teacher at her school. If her parents didn't snoop they would have never known. Although they snooped because she was acting "off" it wasn't a usual thing for them.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:35 PM
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i mentioned the condoms because i had written that one reason parents snoop is because they think their kids are having SEX!
I would never snoop because of this. Although I could see my dh doing this if we had a daughter.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:46 PM
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Nola! I'm hoping that is the kind of relationship I have with my children. One where they don't feel like they have to hide any thing from me.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:55 PM
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My mom once listened in on a phone conversation of mine and I very nearly ripped her head off. (I was maybe...11/12?) She learned her lesson after that.
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Old 12-11-2009, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by **fancy**pants** View Post
Just kidding.

But I do have lots to say about this.

.......I became very sneaky as a result. And very rebelious. I vowed to raise my kids extremely different.

I have the relationship with my kids that I wanted with my Parents when I was growing up. My kids truly feel like they can talk to me about anything....and they do. Sometimes they tell me TOO much and I am left saying "OMG OMG I don't want to know that". I will strive to keep this relationship with them for the rest of our lives. When kids feel comfortable talking to their parents about everything, then there is far less to hide.

So in short, I don't feel it's ok to go through your children's stuff. Oh, and my Husband and I are in total agreement.
OMG! .
I'm expecting my first child and I vowed to myself to raise my kids differently also. I despised my parents for a long time and was very distant from them. I found myself being very open and honest with my friend's parents and envied my friends for having such a good bond with them. They weren't naive about the fact that their kids are going to grow up and get out into the real world no matter how bad they try to keep them away. My father thinks he has the best parenting skills in the world. I love him and all, but I beg to differ. To this day my parents still wonder why I'm not "as close" with them. My bf wonders how I never ended up being one of those good girls gone wild. I told him I want to have the best relationship a child could ask for from their parents and he totally understands. He was a guy and did what he wanted when he was younger...but whatever. .
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Old 12-11-2009, 04:53 PM
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Ok, my daughter matured at 11 & she's a freaking horror. We are very open with our kids & try to talk a lot but she's sneaky so yes, I'm going to monitor everything she does.
I'm not just gonna sit back & hope she's doing what's right. Drugs have screwed up so many people in my life & they all started so young & regret major.

I'm not snooping I guess if I'm telling her I will watch everything she does. My kids have much freedom though.

Also, I rebeled even though my parents didn't watch me close. This topic is hitting home right now. My daughter is really giving me a hard time.
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:34 PM
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^ That sucks Erica It'll get easier, I'm sure it will.


I was like Amber when I was growing - I had absolutely no freedom. My parents screened what magazines I was reading, whether my friends' parents were divorced (which wasn't good), if my friends' religion was the same as ours, screened/read reviews about the movies I wanted to go see with my friends, I couldn't watch some TV shows, no news channels or anything. I don't think they ever really went through my stuff though, and I appreciate that.

I'm not sure I really rebelled but I got the hell out of there when I finished high school, and it certainly affected my relationship with them. They've slacked off a lot on my little brothers (they're pretty much free to do anything they want). But they were extremely reserved on things like sex which really affected me (and my sister for that matter). I still respect them and love them, but I have a lot of resentment as to how I was raised.

That said, I hope to God I do not raise my kids the way my parents did with us. If anything, I hope I learned from this. I don't think I'd ever go through their stuff, unless they were in danger, maybe then I would. I want to have an open relationship, as much as possible, with my kids (when I have them) but I know it'll be a challenge for me.
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:57 PM
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awww Erica i'm sorry you are going through this.
i know there are different concerns when it comes to daughters..so i am not going to even attempt to act like i know what you're going through..since i have only boys.
i have also seen many lives and families torn apart due to drugs.
i've lost many friends and numerous family members due to addiction.
it is the reason i was divorced from rickys dad.
it is the reason i made a conscious decision to teach my kids at a very young age.. the truth about drugs/alcohol.. all up front, no sugar coating.. no lies.


i wanted to add that i have never just 'sat back' and watched my children make mistakes and hope for the best.
however.. i WILL let them learn.
i am talking stuff like 'a broken heart' , getting a speeding ticket, dealing with friendships, etc.
i am not talking about drugs .. this has never been an issue in our house.
IF it ever becomes one.. you betcha i will be on it, like flies on shit...this is one subject that is not up for negotiation... or 'hoping for the best'.

believe me.. ricky and i have had our moments and he is definitely NOT the perfect child.
he has had me up all night many times...and has pissed me off to the point where i've actually left my own house.

the point i was trying to make it what I firmly believe in, and has worked w/me and my children. and that is to always listen, give them a chance to explain themselves, try to put yourself in their situation, try really hard to remember what it was like being that age.. listen to your kids, and discipline with a firm.. yet lovingly tone. the last thing you want is for your kids to despise you and feel the need to seek advice from someone else.
it's really hard being a teen.. so much peer pressure, so much of the 'unknown'... just wanting to please everyone and fitting in.
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:59 PM
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My mom once listened in on a phone conversation of mine and I very nearly ripped her head off. (I was maybe...11/12?) She learned her lesson after that.
I truly feel bad for your mother and the fact that she has never had the balls to stand up to you. If any of my children try to "nearly rip my head off" they will definitely be the ones regretting it.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:04 PM
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I truly feel bad for your mother and the fact that she has never had the balls to stand up to you. If any of my children try to "nearly rip my head off" they will definitely be the ones regretting it.
yep
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:10 PM
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I truly feel bad for your mother and the fact that she has never had the balls to stand up to you. If any of my children try to "nearly rip my head off" they will definitely be the ones regretting it.
Agreed. I can say, with great certainty, if I had disrespected my mother in that way, at that age, I'd have had my mouth smacked so hard, my head would've been spinning. (I'm not making a case for/against physical discipline here, just saying what would've happened to me, and that I don't agree with a CHILD being so disrespectful to a parent.)
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:14 PM
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I truly feel bad for your mother and the fact that she has never had the balls to stand up to you. If any of my children try to "nearly rip my head off" they will definitely be the ones regretting it.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:19 PM
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My Oma would beat me if I bit her head off at 11. She is German and she doesn't mess around. She never snooped though. Sometimes she would find stuff accidentally but I believe that it was an accident. She was super open with alcohol and I am sure that it how I will be. I have been having beer with sausages since I was 12. I never got drunk until I was 18 though.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:22 PM
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I truly feel bad for your mother and the fact that she has never had the balls to stand up to you. If any of my children try to "nearly rip my head off" they will definitely be the ones regretting it.
My thoughts exactly.

Nola,I hope you don't think I was referring to you. I wasn't. You seem like such an awesome mom & everyone tells me that I am too. I constantly hear, "you have the best kids."
I really do but when my daughter started her period she became a different person. She's cold & rude. She's so mad because I don't let her wear makeup but she's only 12!
My son is an angel. He always has me on his first thought. No matter what. He genuinely cares how I feel & how he makes me feel.

I don't know what I did wrong. See, now I'm crying. I call my mom everyday to tell her how sorry I am for making her feel bad when I was young. I seriously hurts my feelings so bad.

ETA: we live in a very small town & the girls here are so disgusting. They dress slutty & act so horrible. I don't want my daughter to act like them.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:34 PM
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My thoughts exactly.

Nola,I hope you don't think I was referring to you. I wasn't. You seem like such an awesome mom & everyone tells me that. I constantly hear, "you have the best kids."
I really do but when my daughter started her period she became a different person. She's cold & rude. She's so mad because I don't let her wear makeup but she's only 12!
My son is an angel. He always has me on his first thought. No matter what. He genuinely cares how I feel & how he makes me feel.

I don't know what I did wrong. See, now I'm crying. I call my mom everyday to tell her how sorry I am for making her feel bad when I was young. I seriously hurts my feelings so bad.
oh erica.. please don't cry!
parenting is so hard.
also remember that as your children are learning, so are you. it doesn't matter how many books you read or another families experience .. we are all our own families.. with different situations and we've all been brought up a little different, so we treat situations differently too.
okay.. i'll be really honest .. ricky can be quite an asshole... he can be very mean..and then there's the other side of him..that can be very depressed.
he has anger issues and gets very down on himself..SO hard to deal with, but he is feeling better lately.
i know that this has NOTHING to do with me, or the way i've raised him.
i have always been 'on his side', encouraging him..doing what i can to make him feel needed, wanted and loved.
kids are just going to feel what kids will feel. NEVER blame yourself or think you've done something wrong. (unless you have )
i do not know you personally, but i would imagine that you are a wonderful mom.
a teens emotions are like times a million. everything is so tragic.. and the thing is, it actually is.. for them at that moment.
i remember wanting to kill myself over the stupidest things ... threatening to slit my wrists if i couldn't go to a concert..STUPID!
but then i remember..that it REALLY was that bad of a feeling .. way back then.
oh man.. it's sucks being a teen. if you think you feel bad right now.. imagine how your daughter feels she may act all tough and pissy.. but deep inside.. she's just a kid.
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:17 PM
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Erica, big hugs... I'm sorry this thread brought out a painful time for you, but I'm glad you can share your thoughts with us.

nola hit it on the head, IMO. She has so much wisdom...in the short few years I've gotten to know nola, I have learned a lot from her...parenting, child/parent relationships, etc. We may not always agree, but I learn something every time we chat. Erica, you and your daughter will get through this. My sister and my mom fought like enemies (same timeframe) and now they're extremely close. It doesn't sound plausible now, but it could happen.

PC, normally I don't say much to you specifically, particularly when it comes to pregnancy or parenting issues. However, your post was a little insensitive and disrespectful to both your mom and to other moms reading this thread. I know it sounds like beating a dead horse, but you really have no idea what it is like to be a parent. Comparing what your mom did and how you treated her is completely irrelavent to the topic. . Become a mom someday and revisit some of your posts about your mom; your heart will sink. This I promise.
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:21 PM
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Erica, big hugs... I'm sorry this thread brought out a painful time for you, but I'm glad you can share your thoughts with us.

nola hit it on the head, IMO. She has so much wisdom...in the short few years I've gotten to know nola, I have learned a lot from her...parenting, child/parent relationships, etc. We may not always agree, but I learn something every time we chat. Erica, you and your daughter will get through this. My sister and my mom fought like enemies (same timeframe) and now their extremely close. It doesn't sound plausible now, but it could happen.

PC, normally I don't say much to you specifically, particularly when it comes to pregnancy or parenting issues. However, your post was a little insensitive and disrespectful to both your mom and to other moms reading this thread. I know it sounds like beating a dead horse, but you really have no idea what it is like to be a parent. Comparing what your mom did and how you treated her is completely irrelavent to the topic. . Become a mom someday and revisit some of your posts about your mom; your heart will sink. This I promise.
I think back on some of the things I said/did to my mom when I was a teen It really makes me sad now that I have kids.
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