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Old 11-03-2009, 09:47 AM
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Only children....

So I thought I would ask this since there was some great feedback to the "Questions about having children" thread!


I have one child... a 2.5 year old boy. I always just figured we would have 2 because that's the "common" thing to do. NEVER wanted more than that. Lately I have been thinking more and more that I only want one. My husband doesn't really want another one either.

My reasons....

1. I don't think its a good reason... "just to give him a sibling".

2. I love my son to death but there is no burning desire to have another. I have no desire for a girl and I don't know if I can handle another boy!

2. I am really looking forward to him growing, getting into school, sports and activities. I can't wait to be a "soccer mom". I really didn't like the baby and toddler phase. He was a very difficult baby.

3. I am 33 and he is already 2.5. Can't handle a baby with a toddler but then again don't want to "start over" when he is older and I am older. I can't wait to travel and do things with him and our family and don't want to be starting over with a new baby.

4. My husband really doesn't do well with difficult babies and toddlers. Don't get me wrong he is a amazing father and we have a good relationship. But 99 % of our arguements happen when he was crying or fussy or having tantrums. I honestly don't know if our marriage would survive another difficult child. I am being honest.

5. We are in agreement on all of this! I think that is key. Of course we reserve the right to change our minds. But the only reason right now we would even think of having another is to give him a sibling and i just don't feel like that is a good enough reason... although everyone who gives me shit about it....that's all they say... "you can't make him grow up alone, blah, blah"

6. Oh, yeah. Another reason... we live on the other side of the country from our family. Both of our families live on the east coast and we live in Cali. Which means every single time spent alone and for work is paid for with babysitters. We have no help from family or anyone to give us a break or help with a new baby. My sister lives 4 hours away and she's great but still far away.


Ok, my questions....

1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?

4. Do you only want one child? Why?

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?

6. Any other commments!!



I also think society is a lot different now with people having children later, the economy etc and that there are more and more families choosing to have only one child so there is not as much stigma attached. But it just pisses me off that everyone I tell I may choose to only have one gives me a hard time. I may just start telling people I CAN"T have more. Maybe that will shut them up LOL.
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Old 11-03-2009, 09:55 AM
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It sounds to me like you already have your mind made up. Don't have another baby just because. I know plenty of only children and they turned out just fine. Do you have brothers or sisters that live close by? Only children do have other family members such as cousins and such so don't sweat it. If you are perfectly content with just having one child then so be it. The worst thing you could do is have another child when both you and your husband don't want another child. I always thought it was weird when people only want one child but that's because I grew up in a huge family. Ultimately it's your decision and really nobody that's not in your situation can really give you sound advice. Do what's best for you and your family.
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Old 11-03-2009, 09:56 AM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?
I'm a bit of a "special" case. I was an only child until I was nearly 14, and am still my dad's only child. I think I got to live both worlds. I liked being an only child, I was spoiled But 16 years later, and I'm glad to have a brother, although I do think we would be closer if we had been closer in age. He's in high school, getting ready to get his permit to drive, while I'm married with two kids...right now, the only thing we have in common is our mom LOL

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?
No, we have two.

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?

4. Do you only want one child? Why?

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?
I don't think it's bad to be an only, but I *do* think it's important to not spoil an only child. And this is coming from one who was spoiled for a LONG time. Then again, spoiling isn't only done with only children, but it does seem to be more common among them.

6. Any other commments!!
Hold your head high, try to just brush off others' comments. They have NO idea what your story is, and no real basis to allow them to form an educated opinion of your family situation. Feel confident in knowing that you're going to do what's best for YOUR family, and to hell with everyone else!
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Old 11-03-2009, 09:56 AM
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I just want to participate...

1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?
I am not an only child, I have a sister 2 years younger than I am. I love having a sister...she's my best friend and someone I know I can count on. (Although I'm certain this is not true for some)
2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?
I am pregnant with my first at the moment and do not intend to have another. It will be by choice, of course things may change later.
3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?
My reasons for only wanting one is that I really have no desire to go through pregnancy again...it's been pretty tough on me and my husband and I both went into pregnancy believing that it was a one shot deal. I have really only ever wanted one.
4. Do you only want one child? Why?
see above
5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?

6. Any other commments!!
You have to do what is right for you. You can't predict the future or what your future child will be like. If you don't think that your marraige could handle another kid, and possibly a difficult one then it just isn't worth it. I think you gave very valid reasons for only wanting to have one child and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your son won't exactly grow up alone...that's what friends are for. So long as he is involved in activities and such the rest will fall into place. And I agree with you that if the only pro to having a second child is to give your first a sibling, that just isn't enough.
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Old 11-03-2009, 09:59 AM
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I can only answer a few of those.

1.) Yes, I am an only child. I loved it when I was a kid, obviously, you get more attention from family because there is only one of you. Now that I am an adult, I think it would be nice to have a sibling, but luckily my husband has 2, so I can steal them. One thing, being an only child, I find I am probably more introverted than other people. But, I also feel more self-sufficient and able to have alone time without feeling lonely. I also had the tendency to do more quiet activities like reading, drawing, and playing by myself as a kid rather than more hyper things. Also, I think there is some research that only children mature faster because they spend more time with adults than other children.

AND...

4.) If I have any children, I will only have one. I think because I am an only child, it would work well because they would develop a more similar personality to me. This one probably isn't the best question for me to answer though because I don't think I'm going to have any, but when my husband and I discuss it, it always comes down to "one, if we decide to have one at all."
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:05 AM
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I don't have any children yet but only want one. My reason is I don't ever want to go through the trauma of a pregnancy to begin with let alone twice. I will deal for just one child, would love two but couldn't put myself through that twice. I agree don't let comments get to you. How dare someone comment to anybody about children in the first place. Some want them, some don't, some want one some want five. Nobody has any right to comment and if it were me they'd get an ear full, lol. But that's just me. I agree with Lynne it sounds like you already have your mind made up, nothing wrong with that at all, it is your life not theirs.
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:15 AM
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Thanks for the responses!

Lynne- I do have a sister, who's 30, that lives about 4 hours away. But she and her husband actually don't plan on having kids. So he won't have any cousins close to him. And he has cousins on my husbands side but they all live in Boston and are older... the youngest is 8.

But... he has tons of friends. We are always out and about doing stuff, he goes to daycare 2x week so he is socialized great. And I think the exposure to "strangers" early on really helped him. He is such a people person and seriously could care less when we drop him off. He loves school and all of the other people he is around.
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by all4oldchevys View Post
I can only answer a few of those.

1.) Yes, I am an only child. I loved it when I was a kid, obviously, you get more attention from family because there is only one of you. Now that I am an adult, I think it would be nice to have a sibling, but luckily my husband has 2, so I can steal them. One thing, being an only child, I find I am probably more introverted than other people. But, I also feel more self-sufficient and able to have alone time without feeling lonely. I also had the tendency to do more quiet activities like reading, drawing, and playing by myself as a kid rather than more hyper things. Also, I think there is some research that only children mature faster because they spend more time with adults than other children.

AND...

4.) If I have any children, I will only have one. I think because I am an only child, it would work well because they would develop a more similar personality to me. This one probably isn't the best question for me to answer though because I don't think I'm going to have any, but when my husband and I discuss it, it always comes down to "one, if we decide to have one at all."
I think it depends on the child's personality. My husband is an only child and he LOVES being the center of attention. He never had a sibling to tell him to stop singing at the top of his lungs, so he feels this is an acceptable behavior.

The only down-side I see from him being an only child is that he is a bit of a conflict avoider. He never really had to 'work through' fights/conflicts with a sibling. But, he is getting better at it. It was a little challenging when we first got married, but he's getting the hang of it now.
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:20 AM
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Oh, but I would miss being pregnant! I was one of the rare women, who LOVED being pregnant. I had the easiest pregancy and loved it. Of course God repayed me with a difficult baby though!
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:23 AM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?

No, I am the youngest of four (two brothers, one sister); I hated it most of the time as a child but like it now, lol. Our relationship morphed into great friendships as we all got married and started our families.

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?

No, I have six.

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?

4. Do you only want one child? Why?

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?

Not at all; I think people need to spend less time worrying about how others wish to live. Both having one child and many children have advantages and disadvantages.

6. Any other commments!!

No matter what end of the spectrum you are on, people will still feel justified to give an opinion; that's why I answered this post. I have people look at me in disbelief when they see me with my six daughters. There have been those that shake their heads at me, ask me if I know "how babies are made", etc. People are just stupid. Do what feels right to you and forget what others think; I know it's easier said than done, but you will be glad you did what was in your best interest in the end.
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:25 AM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?
I am an only child and I loved it. I never wanted a sibling while I was growing up and I have no real desire for one now. Similar to all4oldchevys, I was a more introverted child. I grew up more around adults and I most probably matured faster than my peers. I think being an only child also made me very independent and capable of being by myself and entertaining myself. I was not super spoiled at all but I was also a very well behaved child. My mother was also an only child. I do have to say that the only potential worry for me is that I feel more responsible for my parent's welfare as they get older since there is just me.

4. Do you only want one child? Why?
Ideally, I would like only one child. However, as I don't have any yet I can't say definitively yet but I have always told my husband that I think only one would be good. I think that two might be overwhelming for me and I have extremely fond memories growing up as an only child with my parents so possibly I want to try to replicate that.

I also wanted to say that my mother has often gotten comments from others over the years about how having just one child means it is not as "real" as having more than more child. Of course, that comment is ridiculous but many people express dismay about the fact that I or my mother never had siblings. There is nothing wrong with just having one child or many children.
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:35 AM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?
I was an only child but I had a younger cousin who has been like a younger sister to me. I hated being an only child before she was born.

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?
I plan on having more than one. Mostly because of my experience. But I might change my mind.

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?
I think it is just important to have a good community around the child. Doesn't have to be siblings.
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Dojoqueen View Post

No matter what end of the spectrum you are on, people will still feel justified to give an opinion; that's why I answered this post. I have people look at me in disbelief when they see me with my six daughters. There have been those that shake their heads at me, ask me if I know "how babies are made", etc. People are just stupid. Do what feels right to you and forget what others think; I know it's easier said than done, but you will be glad you did what was in your best interest in the end.
I can't believe people say that. I hate comments like that.
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Old 11-03-2009, 11:56 AM
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I am answering this for shits and grins.

1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it? Nope I have one brother, he sucks, I guess I love him...whatever. Boys have cooties.

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)? We have one 5 year old and a baby on the way. I always wanted 2, we have had some issues with miscarriages so I just assumed we were done. I was wrong. Big Surprise.

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one? I guess I was ok with it because I enjoy Abram so much. He is my life. I am kinda sad it won't be just "me & Bub" anymore.

4. Do you only want one child? Why?

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only? For 5 years it's just been Abram. He can play on his own and loves to draw and play dress up. He is also very good with other children, but that is mainly because he has gotten practice with his cousins.

6. Any other commments!! Let me just say that Abram is beyond thrilled he is going to be a big brother, HOWEVER, he would be just as happy being a big cousin, or just having a friend to play with.

Don't give your son a brother or sister just because people pressure you. Just tell them to F*ck off and that you would have more but you are concerned you may eat them. I think people will leave you alone after that.
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Old 11-03-2009, 12:10 PM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?
I was raised as an only child (my half sister is across the country from me, and I never got to see her). It was lonely, although I did get "spoiled" so to speak, lots of attention, and my parents always let me do activities. I also had all of the responsibilities, and my parents watched me like a hawk, I could get away with NOTHING.

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?
I have 2, our second was a "oh wait, how did this happen" baby, and actually kept our marriage together. We were going to get divorced at the end of that summer if we didn't work things out.

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?
This doesn't apply *now*, but when I did only have one, I was afraid of having another baby, I didn't think I would love another child or be as close to another child as I was my first. I was wrong, thankfully.

4. Do you only want one child? Why?

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?
No, I don't think its bad. I've always wanted more than one, probably because I was an only child...

6. Any other commments!!
If you're happy with one, that's all that matters No reason to feel like you *should* have more because of other people's opinions. You have loads of time to spend with your son, and you won't be torn between a soccer game and ballet recital at the same time.

And Danielle I almost fell out of my chair Awesome response!
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Old 11-03-2009, 12:12 PM
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I feel exactly like you do.
I am an only child, so is my husband, I have only one kid (3 1/2) and I am not planning on having any more.

I loved being an only child, but I did have a large extended family, and plenty of kids to play with, so I did not miss the social interaction.
I did not feel the need for a sibling, but then again, I do not know any different.

Kids are not Pringles, you CAN have only one . Not to say there is anything wrong with having more than one, just that it's possible to be perfectly happy with only one kid.
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Old 11-03-2009, 12:27 PM
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I feel exactly like you do.
I am an only child, so is my husband, I have only one kid (3 1/2) and I am not planning on having any more.

I loved being an only child, but I did have a large extended family, and plenty of kids to play with, so I did not miss the social interaction.
I did not feel the need for a sibling, but then again, I do not know any different.

Kids are not Pringles, you CAN have only one . Not to say there is anything wrong with having more than one, just that it's possible to be perfectly happy with only one kid.
that seriously made me laugh.
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Old 11-03-2009, 12:45 PM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?

Yes. LOVED it. I don't have the patience for younger siblings (I am very particular about having my stuff "messed with"--to the point where I've blown up at my mom quite severely when she's borrowed my stuff without asking. I find it completely disrespectful, but I know a little kid wouldn't know to stay away from my stuff. I think I would have been okay as a youngest sibling, though)

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?

n/a

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?

n/a for me, but my mom just couldn't get pregnant again.

4. Do you only want one child? Why?

Yeah, probably, if I even go there. If I end up with more than one they will be sufficiently spread out in age that I could bribe the older one to help out with the younger and/or the older one would already be in school so it wouldn't feel like that child was being deprived of attention...

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?

n/a here as well, but honestly, being an only child seems to get such a bad rap. I can't imagine having lived any other way. Granted my parents were really overprotective and I didn't have as much company from kids my own age as I probably should have (would have been even worse if my mom had homeschooled me like she was thinking about doing) but at least that preserved my sanity.

6. Any other commments!!

Don't feel guilty if you only want one child! Some children will want siblings but there are plenty out there who absolutely don't and won't do well with other siblings in the house.
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Old 11-03-2009, 01:36 PM
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Thank you all for the responses! I especially loved hearing from the adult only children who liked it! I have two friends that are only's and they hate it.

I will say, I by no means feel pressured by others. I take their comments with a grain of salt and actually love to justify my reasons when they make snide comments. It is more of an internal conflict with myself LOL! I have just come to this thinking recently so of course I question and judge myself! I always thought I'd have two but recently started feeling strongly about only having one so I still question myself. And who knows....maybe in a few years I will feel totally different! Or not. That's why I said I reserve the right to change my mind But I do love to hear both sides that's why I posed this questioning.
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Old 11-03-2009, 02:39 PM
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I'm in a similar situation. I have one almost 3 year old daughter, and for the last year everyone has been asking about whether we will have another (especially my mother). I only want one (for now, who knows things could change) My biggest reason is that I want to be able to pay for my daughter's college tuition. I still have school loans that I am repaying, and I don't want to put her in that same place. If I had a second child, it would be more difficult to pay the $100,000+ tuition for both children if they get into a good college. I also hated being preggo, and wouldn't want to experience that again. My daughter also was a difficult baby. Instead of thinking about having another one, I'm enjoying the one I have now and looking forward to her growing up. Also I would love to spend time traveling with my husband once she's off to college when we're still relatively young!

I'm grateful for the healthy, beautiful child that I have. I'm content with one. Don't let others try to tell you what they think is good for you and your family. If you and your husband are in agreement, than that's all that matters!
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Old 11-03-2009, 02:53 PM
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I am an only child as well and I was definitely okay with it. My parents could financially provide for me many of the things I wanted (within reason) and pay for the bulk of my college tuition. I had a couple of cousins that I saw several times a year and plenty of friends. I am still close with my cousins now as adults. I think the reason that they had one was that my parents moved around a bunch when I was a baby. Once my dad was settled with a steady job, my mom was in her late thirties.

I currently have one daughter and plan on having another. She was on the fussier side as an infant, but has definitely mellowed out as a young toddler. I think if I were younger and could swing it financially, I could have considered having a third.
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Old 11-03-2009, 02:55 PM
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i have 2 boys... Ricky & Zachary
they are a little over 10 years apart.
i didn't have Zachary until i was 36.... he'll be 9 in March.
Ricky will be 19 next month.
for a very long time i was hell bent on having only one child.
and i'm not gonna lie .. this was completely selfish on my part...which was OKAY
it's definitely your choice and both decisions have their pros and cons.
there is nothing 'wrong' with having only one child .. but remember that it's not just you and your husbands lives you are deciding a future for.
.. you are also making a huge decision for your one and only child.
there is nothing like having a brother or sister to lean on, depend on, look up to, cry to, share secrets with,share memories about mom & dad , becoming an aunt or uncle... and other stuff

anyhow... like i mentioned above, i was where you are years ago, so i completely know where you're coming from.
it's a hard decision to make and not that it matters what i think, but i would never frown upon parents who chose to have only one.
i believe that Ricky would still be a happy guy today, hadn't i given him a younger brother
however...i do know that his life is fuller now.. and there's absolutely nothing comparable to the bond siblings share. i am very happy that i decided to have another.
my only regret is that i waited so long between kids
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2009, 02:58 PM
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not sure i used enough of those
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:39 PM
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1. Are you an only child? Do you like it or hate it?
No. I have a younger sister. I wish we were close, but we're not. I'm 3 years older, and it feels like 10 years sometimes. I love her, but we dont' really talk that much, we don't really trust each other that much...

2. Do you only have one child? By choice or not (ie. fertility issues, marital issues etc- if you feel comfortable answering)?
No babies!

3. Parents of only children... what were your reasons for only having one?
N/A

4. Do you only want one child? Why?
Um, I think I want 2 kids, but I am not against the idea of only having one. (Surprisingly, the answers in the thread I started really made me realize I do want kids, just WAY not ready.)

5. If you have more than one... do you think it is bad to be an only?
N/A

6. Any other commments!!
There are a lot of advantages to only having one kid, especially if you're not sure about the ability of your marriage to withstand it. I think that's very important that you've recognized that, and if you do go ahead to have another baby, I hope you two can maintain your love throughout.
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:01 PM
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Pianochicas reply reminded me of my only other reason for not ever having two. Personally if I had two I would want them far apart in age. 8 years in the least. My reason for the age gap is as someone else mentioned something like a soccer game and a baseball game in the same day or two kids being sick at the same time, or two kids having school plays on the same day, etc. Just the conflicts of those sorts.
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