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Old 10-28-2009, 08:15 AM
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Partner not sure about having kids...advice?

Shortly after my 21st bday I found out I had cancer that had already started spreading from my cervix to my uterus. After having 3 tumors removed, going through hormone therapy and having conization, I am finally cancer free 2 years later. I have gone through these minor obstacles and am ready to start a family....but my boyfriend is not so sure.

I am 23 and he is 34 and we have been dating for almost 2 years now. About a year ago he said he never wanted kids when he was younger but actually really wants a child with me. Ever since then though, he seems really wishy washy about the subject and treats it like 'we can have 1 if you really want to' and 'having a kid makes for a stable woman/household' (starting to get wishy washy about marriage too since he went through a divorce right before we met and is probably still a little messed up from the ordeal...as I am about my ex-fiance of almost 6 years)

I swear he just makes me out to be the bad guy for wanting marriage and kid(s) since he thinks that those are a woman's main goals and that it is all they are after (man...I am making him out to be a complete ass lol...he is a great guy though besides what I have said above) His attitude towards it is starting to repulse me and is making me not even want one anymore (well at least with him) I guess I am at the crossroad where I feel like maybe I am with the wrong person?

Any words of wisdom or advice? Anyone else have issues with their partner being on the fence about becoming a parent? I am feeling pretty lost right now and being over 3 thousand miles away from anyone I know isn't helping.
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:09 AM
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First off, CONGRATULATIONS for being cancer-free! I remember reading your story here and feeling so sad that you were so young and battling cancer already. Kudos!

That's a toughie. My USUAL response is that if either partner doesn't want a child, then the answer has to be no.

Having said that, I completely understand where you are coming from. You have certainly been through a lot with your cancer, and it's your right to want to have a child. The good news is that you're young at 23, so you have a little time to think about it.

Is your boyfriend worried that your pregnancy will be risky? Having gone through conization does possibly put you in a high-risk category...well, that is temporary, so that shouldn't stop him. Is it the responsibility of raising a child that has him hesitant? His concerns are legitimate, as is your desire to have a child. My advice would be to really figure out exactly why he is afraid to start a family. I'm wondering why he changed his mind (and I think that's a little unfair too).
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:27 AM
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We both came from tough childhoods....him mom abandoned him at a young age and I was raised by a careless teenage mother and I found my dad dead when I was 15. I think that when people have a rough childhood, they either have a strong desire to make a family and have extreme closeness (me) or are afraid of or turned off of having a family because of how their family life was growing up (him)
(At least that is how I am spinning it)

I also think that he got married quickly before and he was just a notch on her belt to prove to everyone she was in fact marriage material....and he is afraid of being hurt again or being treated like that again. (so I guess he takes it out on me)

We both went through bad breaks ups at the same time right before meeting each other, so I figured there would probably be some struggles with relationship issues since were both burned from our pasts....BUT I think that he is treating me unfair and turning two things that should be some of the happiest times of your life into dreaded sore subjects. I think his views and poor attitude on the subjects are dysfunctional and skewed. I always try and be open minded and always accept people and theirs views...but I am having a hard time doing that in this case. Especially because me even mentioning it and wanting to discuss it makes him think I am only after marriage/baby and I am not. I just want to neutrally discuss it (no pressure AT ALL) and I can't even do that because of how he is acting.

I am starting to be burned out by it.
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dojoqueen View Post
First off, CONGRATULATIONS for being cancer-free! I remember reading your story here and feeling so sad that you were so young and battling cancer already. Kudos!
Oh and thanks!!! I have REALLY been enjoying not spending so much time at the gyno
Every few months I would have to go in and always end up disappointed when labs came back...then I got the good news and couldnt believe it!!
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by megtes View Post
We both came from tough childhoods....him mom abandoned him at a young age and I was raised by a careless teenage mother and I found my dad dead when I was 15. I think that when people have a rough childhood, they either have a strong desire to make a family and have extreme closeness (me) or are afraid of or turned off of having a family because of how their family life was growing up (him)
(At least that is how I am spinning it)

I also think that he got married quickly before and he was just a notch on her belt to prove to everyone she was in fact marriage material....and he is afraid of being hurt again or being treated like that again. (so I guess he takes it out on me)

We both went through bad breaks ups at the same time right before meeting each other, so I figured there would probably be some struggles with relationship issues since were both burned from our pasts....BUT I think that he is treating me unfair and turning two things that should be some of the happiest times of your life into dreaded sore subjects. I think his views and poor attitude on the subjects are dysfunctional and skewed. I always try and be open minded and always accept people and theirs views...but I am having a hard time doing that in this case. Especially because me even mentioning it and wanting to discuss it makes him think I am only after marriage/baby and I am not. I just want to neutrally discuss it (no pressure AT ALL) and I can't even do that because of how he is acting.

I am starting to be burned out by it.
Hmmm, I guess you have to decide if this person is someone who you should raise a child with. The last thing you want is for him to think this way after you've had the baby; it happens too often...one partner resenting the baby and feeling forced into parenthood. They're thrilled when the baby is little and all is going well in the relationship. As soon as there is any problem, suddenly they feel trapped and start in with the "I was forced, didn't want a baby, told you so" stuff. I've seen it too many times.

It's good he's airing his feelings out before any children get in the picture. I'd give it some time; if he still acts so negative about it over time, you would then have to consider that this person isn't the right match for you (not meeting your needs/desires) to start a family. Harsh, but there really is no compromising when it comes to having children.

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Old 10-28-2009, 09:51 AM
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^I know....I am trying to keep emotions out of it and think logically (which is hard for me to do because I am a sappy commercial away from a sobfest most of the time )
While it may be harsh to do, it does need to be done and I know that. It would be foolish to go on as we are and not address it, because eventually it will become an even bigger issue.

It is hard to even think about talking to him about it when he treats the subjects as he does. Part of me feels like I should not talk about it and just wait it out and see, but the other part of me feels like if this is how it is going to be then we should part ways and I should find someone who wants to be with me and have kids with me.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:02 AM
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Congrats on being cancer free. I wish you continued good health.

"Having a child makes for a stable woman/stable household". Just for that I'd kick him to the curb. That's a horrible thing to say.

You are young, but knowing what you've gone through, I would feel the same way. You want a guy who has his mind made up. Him being wishy washy won't just change. I know two people who found that out the hard way. [Sorry I tend to always go on someone I know or myself, personal experiences.] Sometimes once the baby is born they will expect you to do everything. They will play with the kid when THEY feel like it and leave the rest to you. That is not a Dad. You want your child to have a Dad. A Dad is a partner in parenting. You don't want to have a child and then him not be an active parent or break up with you one day come back the next, etc.

From what you've said, IMO, you've gone through enough in your life. You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to have the life you want, the life you deserve.

I know this is you're life and not mine but being brutally honest, I'd look for a new boyfriend. A more stable and happy one who knows he wants a family.


ETA: I just read the other posts, I completely agree with Shi and it sounds like you already know what you truly want and should do but your emotions are making it harder on you. That happened to me, but breaking up with my ex was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. If only I had done it sooner instead of waiting 5 years.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:06 AM
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Yes congrats for beating cancer! that's great!!

I understand what you feel. I've had 3 kids already and became pregnant the 1st of this year only to lose it. I most definitely want another but now my hubby doesn't and it hurts my feelings so bad.
I haven't been through what you have but we've had some major stresses this year with losing the baby, husband getting laid off, & trying to buy a home. We are both stressed to the max so maybe that has something to do with it but I feel myself resenting him at times for being selfish. But then I have to remind myself that he takes a lot on himself so I'm all confused like you.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaisyDuke View Post

"Having a child makes for a stable woman/stable household". Just for that I'd kick him to the curb. That's a horrible thing to say.
Yeah, I agree completely. I think THIS is the root of the problem here, the kids issue is almost incidental. I think he has some control issues. Like having a kid will keep you in check/keep him in control of you
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:15 AM
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My DH did not want to try for another child after the one we lost in 2005. This killed me for a while, but I got over it. And lo and behold look what happened. I was certainly ok with just having the one child. If your relationship isn't that great, adding a child to it isn't going to make it better.

Sometimes you have to respect your partners point of view. And if you really want children and he doesn't, then I would move on and find someone that does. You are still young. I hate saying that to you but it's true.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by DaisyDuke View Post
Congrats on being cancer free. I wish you continued good health.

"Having a child makes for a stable woman/stable household". Just for that I'd kick him to the curb. That's a horrible thing to say.

You are young, but knowing what you've gone through, I would feel the same way. You want a guy who has his mind made up. Him being wishy washy won't just change. I know two people who found that out the hard way. [Sorry I tend to always go on someone I know or myself, personal experiences.] Sometimes once the baby is born they will expect you to do everything. They will play with the kid when THEY feel like it and leave the rest to you. That is not a Dad. You want your child to have a Dad. A Dad is a partner in parenting. You don't want to have a child and then him not be an active parent or break up with you one day come back the next, etc.

From what you've said, IMO, you've gone through enough in your life. You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to have the life you want, the life you deserve.

I know this is you're life and not mine but being brutally honest, I'd look for a new boyfriend. A more stable and happy one who knows he wants a family.


ETA: I just read the other posts, I completely agree with Shi and it sounds like you already know what you truly want and should do but your emotions are making it harder on you. That happened to me, but breaking up with my ex was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. If only I had done it sooner instead of waiting 5 years.
Sometimes guys say really stupid things so I wouldn't take that comment to seriously. When I was dating my husband he acted like such a jerk at times but he is such an awesome dad. Most guys are wishy washy on the whole child issue I think because it scares them.
I wouldn't just say bag the guy.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:17 AM
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Yeah, I agree completely. I think THIS is the root of the problem here, the kids issue is almost incidental. I think he has some control issues. Like having a kid will keep you in check/keep him in control of you
I think my mom would agree with you on that one

I guess I am just not quite sure what he even means by that statement
Does he mean it will bring everyone closer and more tight knit?
Or is he still saying that women are only after babies and when they finally get one they stick around?

I am going to assume it is the ladder and not the positive spin that I always try and put on things
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:17 AM
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I would also propose that since he has some abandonment issues, perhaps his fear is that a child will take your attention away from him
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:28 AM
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You guys have made some really great points here

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaisyDuke View Post
Sometimes once the baby is born they will expect you to do everything. They will play with the kid when THEY feel like it and leave the rest to you. That is not a Dad. You want your child to have a Dad. A Dad is a partner in parenting. You don't want to have a child and then him not be an active parent
^ I do really worry about that...I know he isnt going anywhere but I don't know how active he would be. The way he is treating it now makes it seem like it is my decision since I am the one 'pushing' for it....so does that mean I will be doing everything on my own? I hate not having a dad anymore...I would never want that for my child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by onelove View Post
Sometimes guys say really stupid things so I wouldn't take that comment to seriously. When I was dating my husband he acted like such a jerk at times but he is such an awesome dad. Most guys are wishy washy on the whole child issue I think because it scares them.
I wouldn't just say bag the guy.
^Then part of me thinks that maybe this is just the case....he is just scared. But I DO NOT want to go into it if he has serious doubts or is anything but happy and excited, because that is what the baby deserves.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:36 AM
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Yes congrats for beating cancer! that's great!!

I understand what you feel. I've had 3 kids already and became pregnant the 1st of this year only to lose it. I most definitely want another but now my hubby doesn't and it hurts my feelings so bad.
I haven't been through what you have but we've had some major stresses this year with losing the baby, husband getting laid off, & trying to buy a home. We are both stressed to the max so maybe that has something to do with it but I feel myself resenting him at times for being selfish. But then I have to remind myself that he takes a lot on himself so I'm all confused like you.
I am really sorry to hear that. Maybe after things return to normal and stress diminishes then he will be more open to it. I can understand how it would be hard to make a big decision like that with lots of other stuff going on. Good luck though...keep your head up keep us posted
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Old 10-28-2009, 12:15 PM
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This is so tough because you can never truly know what someone is feeling and with him being wishy washy you never know his thoughts on the matter from one day to the next. It is great that things worked out for Erica. For many people it does, but for many others it doesn't. I agree with Pam. I've been in a controlling relationship before so I learned the hard way what the comments can really mean. I personally just wouldn't chance it. Most don't want to ever think that someone won't be there but you just never know. He might be afraid of losing you which could be partly why he is being wishy washy. He might fear that saying he really doesn't want a family would cause you to leave and find what you want. But you have the right to seek what you truly want out of life. It doesn't seem like he is going to change how he is acting now. With what you have now you really have to decide what you want to do next. It's tough.
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Old 10-28-2009, 03:02 PM
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I'd also be wary of a 34-year-old MAN who is still unsure about having a family. I agree with DaisyDuke and Pam about the comment he made too; behind every joke/unintentional comment is an element of true feelings.

I personally would be very scared to start a family with someone who is as undecided as he is.
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Old 10-28-2009, 05:50 PM
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The fine print before my comment is that my opinion is certainly colored by my personal experiences, and should of course be taken with a grain of salt.

I believe a man should know what he wants when he is 34.

I think you should have a discussion with him; not offer an ultimatum, but have a serious discussion that should clarify things, to make sure you did not misunderstand him or read something in his answer that was not there. If you think you want to be married and have children, and these things are important to you, then you owe it to yourself to be clear on whether this is the man to have these things with.

Congratulations on being cancer free, that is absolutely great!!

After everything you went through, you absolutely deserve to have what you desire in life.
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Old 10-28-2009, 11:01 PM
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I don't think it's a good decision to have a child with someone who isn't on the same page as you. That just has disaster written all over it. You're still really young and I think you need a little more "me" time. Just my two cents. Good luck.

Last edited by olialm1; 10-28-2009 at 11:13 PM.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:03 PM
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Sometimes you have to respect your partners point of view. And if you really want children and he doesn't, then I would move on and find someone that does. You are still young. I hate saying that to you but it's true.
I agree.
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Old 10-31-2009, 11:31 AM
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I agree with what everyone else says. If he thinks a child is for you, not something he wants, he'll be a crappy father, and it won't work out anyway, and you deserve so much better.

I totally agree with you being young and moving on. Congratulations on being cancer free.
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