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Old 06-01-2008, 12:13 PM
Hipslikemonroe's Avatar
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An apology.... <3

I just wanted to apologise for my last few posts...

I have been told that they are difficult to swallow.

First, please note that when i posted pictures of my stomach it was truly in a positive light as after a long time abusing my stomach and losing too much weight i have loose skin that i am working hard on toning and rebuilding muscle that i lost. This is another way of putting on needed weight and its a huge step for me. My stomach is a big challenge as it is the hardest place to tone and i was looking for advice. I had a good think after posting the pics and reading the responses and realized that i could be triggering people and regret doing it. I would never do it again as i realize it could be taken offensively. I do not see my stomach as desirable to me it is abused and ugly but that does not mean OTHERS see this and for that i really apologize for this. ESPECIALLY for those who see me as 'thin' and then read me complaining.. I hate when people do that infront of me and now i see that that is exactly what i was doing- Gosh, im sorry...

The big point i wanted to get accross is that i ask advice on here in this section because im heavily involved in my recovery right now and its the hardest period i have ever been in ever and i get alot of emails from people encouraging me to post updates and speak out because they do not have the confidence and/or want to relate. I guess this gave me the voice in order to do so. When i first posted a health issue i had a bunch of emails from people giving their advice which was actually really helpful as they had suffered the same diesease and so they were more in touch with it then some doctor who has only studied it. I hope this makes sense. Leanring to deal with all the complications in re-feeding..blood pressure, panic attacks, bowels etc is so frightening and at 12am at night i cant call a doctor and i have an anxiety disorder and i start to panic-seeing people tell me that it is ok and to calm down and try this, that or whatever REALLY helps. The last post about 'poop' ended me up in the ER.. I just did not know who to call at 1am and did not want to panic Josh..I need to understand that the AF is not my midnight doctor ;)

I am very well taken care of, im just really overwhelmed with this right now. I want life, recovery and health more then i have ever ever.. I have spent many nights recently afraid to close my eyes I am sorry for being self obsessed as i know this diesease is so self absorbing. I hate that about it the most as im not like that as a person.

So please, please accept my apology. I understand that alot of you struggle to read my posts as they can be upsetting or triggering and i have been called out and i actually really appreciate this. Sometimes 'tough love' is the answer and i appreciate you for coming forward and putting a mirror up to ignorance. I love you guys for your ongoing support and i am sorry if i used this forum more for advice for my health than my new denim obsession

I shall take it easy and try to calm myself down before making any more posts about it all. Im sorry if this thread seems again, self obsessive, i really just wanted to let you all know that im now aware of my behaviour and that i will do my best to keep myself in check. As for those of you who are concerned-I am a fighter and i have ALOT to fight for. Im actually very positive and my spirit is high.

*Deep breath*

All my love, apologies and appreciation, your silly Zee xo
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Old 06-01-2008, 12:15 PM
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Old 06-01-2008, 12:35 PM
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Zee, just get better. That is all we want! Your doctors are best equipped to answer your health related questions and we can support you as best we can.

I wish you all the best!
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Old 06-01-2008, 05:48 PM
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Zee, I am one who emailed you and I was so concerned when I did not hear back. I know this disease all too well, and I wish I could just give you the tools to recover. It is a daily battle but you have to fight girl. You have fought so hard, keep it up. Many hugs.
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:15 PM
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Zee, this is not "self obsessive" at all! You're reaching out for help and support and this is a good way to get it. There is absolutely no need for an apology. We're your buddies here and we're here to help you and cheer you on and you get better. The main thing is you're awknowledging that you need to get better and you're in the process of doing so. We're proud of you because of all the progress you've made!! I'm know that I, along with others, would appreciate you updating us on how you're doing and all. Ever since the time I talked to you on eBay, I've always thought of you as the sweetest person ever. It's good to know that you're keeping your spirits high and that you're still fighting! We're here for you if you EVER need ANYTHING!! Still, keep in mind that the doctors know what's best for you and your body and we can help with mental support, etc. etc. The main thing is that you keep going!!! Smile because you're amazing.
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Last edited by kattyish; 06-01-2008 at 06:17 PM.
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:33 PM
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i don't see why you have to apologize for anything.
if your posts or pictures offend anyone, then maybe THEY should not read your posts or look at your pictures

best of luck to you.
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Old 06-01-2008, 07:02 PM
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Zee, I'm glad to see you taking this feedback in a positive way. As you know, I struggled with anorexia for more than 10 years and almost died as a result. When I was 21, my treatment team told me they thought I'd be dead by the time I was 30. I used to go to bed at night unsure that I would actually wake up to see another day. I was so entrenched in the illness that I couldn't make much forward progress. I did have a huge online 'support system', but sometimes that actually worked against my recovery- I'd be more honest online than I would be with my therapist, nutritionist, and doctor, and the attention I got for how sick I was and how extreme my appearance was made it hard to want to get better.
I know we are different people, but I have known enough women suffering with serious anorexia to see certain patterns of behavior. I see & understand that some of your behaviors are the illness, not you-- and that's why I often don't respond to those posts when I know it's your anorexia behind the keyboard, not you. I know you probably know what I mean when I say having anorexia is like having another personality that you can't control at times.
To be honest, I worry about your level of care. I know how incredibly hard it is to restore your weight to a normal and healthy range-- it took me a full 4 years after I'd earnestly committed to recovery to finally normalize my weight to the recommended range for me-- and doing so on an outpatient basis can be difficult, especially when your husband can't be a huge support for you since he struggles as well. I've seen you struggle quite a bit with normalizing your intake to even 50% of what you should be eating, and it puzzles me that your treatment team is okay with you using the gym in your fragile medical condition.
Anyway, I do fully support your recovery and I hope for your sake that you are able to push through the resistance to making significant changes in your thought & behavior patterns. It is really, really difficult and at times you'll feel like you'd rather die than change. But I promise that when you come through on the other side, you'll realize how much more alive you can feel.
I actually grieve for those years that I lost when I wasn't feeling much of anything, where the only real things I remember are numbers and anxiety and depression and despair. I think about how my primary relationship was always with my eating disorder, and how that relationship ultimately ended all romantic relationships. And obviously, there are the long-term repercussions- I have permanent heart damage, osteopenia, and digestive issues as a result of my love affair with my eating disorder (at times it felt like an abusive lover that I just couldn't leave).
Anyway...I hope the best for you and your recovery, and I hope that you do share with us the positive steps and the growth you have made in your recovery. I believe that any woman can recover from this if she wants it badly enough.

Last edited by jessani; 06-01-2008 at 07:14 PM.
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Old 06-01-2008, 07:06 PM
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jess and zee
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Old 06-01-2008, 07:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blonde_gurrl View Post
i don't see why you have to apologize for anything.
if your posts or pictures offend anyone, then maybe THEY should not read your posts or look at your pictures

best of luck to you.
You have missed a lot in your absence. I will leave it at that. Read jessani's above post and you will understand a little better.
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:41 PM
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We're all here for you Zee! I hope you're feeling better!

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Old 06-01-2008, 11:10 PM
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Best wishes and thoughts are sent your way! Im glad your on the right track
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Old 06-02-2008, 01:44 PM
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I am very thankful for you all! I will update when something good happens which i hope is soon! Your all very inspiring. I am very greatful. Kisses and cookies, xoxox
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Old 06-02-2008, 05:10 PM
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gosh, i don't even know where to begin...

i'm generaly against posting personal issues about myself (i.e., 'post about it on af'), but this i really understand.

jessani's post brought back a lot of feelings and memories that i had tried to forget about. i have also shared in this struggle w/ anorexia and bulimia. it is a continuous fight. even now that i am 'recovered', i still struggle with body image and comparing myself to others. some days are just hard.

i know that it can be so hard to talk to friends, family, etc because their responses are always the same - 'why can't you just eat?'. they don't understand that is isn't that simple and there is so much more. sometimes it is just easier to talk to someone who doesn't really know you. please feel free to pm me if you need to vent and talk.
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Old 06-02-2008, 05:25 PM
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I just want you to know that Im always thinking of you and I really want you to be well.
*big hugs*
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Old 06-02-2008, 11:09 PM
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I am right here.. I dont plan on leaving. PM me anytime and i will do my best to reply but it might not be right away I know alot of people on AF have eating disorders and body issues etc and i am glad that we have PM capabilities, thats all i can say. I know my posts have done good and bad but i dont regret having opened up in the first place..i know it has given a voice to others with similar issues. Anyways. Loves you all... <3
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Old 06-05-2008, 01:15 PM
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Big hug Zee!

I know you will come out of this and be even stronger for it We are all rooting for you here
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Old 06-08-2008, 09:22 PM
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I really wish you a full recovery Zee. Best wishes for you, keep strong
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